Dan Savage Agrees With Me
I’d fallen behind on my reading and made the mistake of missing some Savage Love columns, so it was only yesterday I discovered I managed to scoop Dan Savage by a whole week.
It was back in February, when I responded to the whole dumbass-politician “wriggling it around in excrement” view of anal sex with a simple internet memo: UR DOIN IT RONG.
But I’m not…y’know…an anal sex authority. So it’s pleased I am to discover that Dan Savage weighed in, a week after me, in a very similar vein and in a whole lot more detail:
Nancy Elliott, a state representative in New Hampshire, wants to ban same-sex marriage in that state–where it’s been legal for less than three months–and here’s her reasoning: “We’re talking about taking the penis of one man and putting it in the rectum of another man and wiggling it around in excrement. And you have to think… would I allow that to be done to ME?”
Where to begin? How about here…
If you’re wiggling your penis around in excrement when you’re having anal sex, Representative Elliott, you’re doing it wrong. You would think this would be obvious even to people who’ve never had anal sex, but apparently not. So let me break it down for you, Representative Elliott: You don’t have anal sex with an ass full of shit for the same reason you don’t have oral sex with a mouth full of food. It’s messy and no one wants a mess. (Except for the people who do want a mess, of course, but they’re a blessed rarity.) An empty, douched, and lubed anal cavity is just as delightful as an empty, flossed, and brushed oral cavity.
I will concede that excrement is for anal what Representative Elliott is for the New Hampshire State Legislature: a PR disaster. But excrement-free anal sex is easy. Make sure there’s some fiber in your diet, be regular, and only go for it when you’re empty–no anal during your butt menses!–and you’ll never get excrement on a wigglin’ dick.
And now a question for you, Representative Elliott: Are you really sure you want to make it illegal for buttfuckers to get married?
“According to a 2005 survey conducted by the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention,” Baconcat wrote on Slog, The Stranger‘s blog, in reaction to Elliott’s remarks, “40 percent of men and 35 percent of women between 25 and 44 had engaged in heterosexual anal sex. Some studies put the incidence of anal sex in the heterosexual population as low as 24 percent and some as high as 56 percent. Averaging those numbers, let’s say 38.8 percent of heterosexuals engage in anal sex. Ninety-six percent of Americans are straight. There are 190,000,000 adults between the ages of 18 and 65 in the United States, so that means 70,771,200 adults are engaging in heterosexual anal sex. Four percent of the adult population is gay, or 7,600,000 people. Roughly half–3,800,000–are gay males. Polls indicate that between 55 and 80 percent of gay males participate in anal sex. Taking the average–67.5 percent–that means the number of gay men having anal sex comes to 2,565,000.”
Math is hard, Representative Elliott, but see if you can’t wiggle this into your cranial cavity: 70,771,200 is more–a whole lot more–than 2,565,000. If you really want to protect the sacred sanctity of marriage from the unholy taint of penises wiggling in rectums, Representative Elliott, you need to ban straight marriage first. (We needn’t protect marriage from lesbians, of course, as lesbians don’t have anuses.)
Shorter URL for sharing: https://www.erosblog.com/?p=4820
Frankly, even if other people were actually “wiggling it around in excrement”, it’s really not much business of mine “as long as they don’t do it in the the street and scare the horses” (attributed to Queen Victoria).
This is really a non-issue in politics, trumped up to take our attentions off of the real problems. Namely what they are doing with our money. Former President Clinton was right about one thing: “It’s the ECONOMY, stupid!”
Sex controversies are always used as a magic trick in Washington, just as the stage magician uses a shapely assistant. It’s misdirection, pure and simple. As long as the populace keeps falling for it, we can expect to see them continue to waste our time with it, as they in turn continue to pick our pockets clean.
Occasionally, one does get shit on the dick. Such is life. Why do politicians (people without real jobs) feel the need to get so nosey?
LOL at:
(We needn’t protect marriage from lesbians, of course, as lesbians don’t have anuses.)
And I doubt he meant lesbians do not engage in anal sex.
I’m a woman who has had anal sex a few times in my life. I can’t say that I’m really fond of it frankly and thankfully have a husband who isn’t either. But the thought of some politician dictating whether or not I have the RIGHT to engage in it if I choose makes me absolutely furious. Fear of what one doesn’t understand and I think religious programming are the driving forces behind these attempts at controlling what people sexually behind closed doors. The fact that heterosexual couples engage in all kinds of acts that this woman might find disgusting in a gay couple is completely ignored by her. I mean come on…married couples have sex while a woman is on her period. Speaking from personal experience here that’s not exactly a “clean” act. Blood ends up everywhere. We’re talking about blood and tissue that was once lining the inside of an organ! Let’s outlaw heterosexual marriage because a penis will end up “wiggling” around in blood.
Note to Jovana:
Politicians have learned from psychological studies, that if you can control a population’s sex lives, you can pretty much control ANYTHING and everything about them.
When you see politicians trying to regulate the sexual activities of consenting adults behind closed doors, you can pretty much assume you’re looking at evil intent.
The “church” has been attempting to use this method for centuries, and has gotten into bed (no pun intended) with the politicians on the issue. When you start mixing religion and politics and sex, you end up with something resembling the Inquisition…
the “church” has been using this method for centuries.
Politicians have been making laws for years and people have been breaking them. This law, if passed won’t stop anal sex!