Amazon is selling the following fine publication:

How to Good-Bye Depression: If You Constrict Anus 100 Times Everyday. Malarkey? or Effective Way?

Bacchus suspects that, depending on how the depressed patient is wired, the answer to this question may well depend on what is in the anus while this therapy is conducted.

Jessica Parker over at BlogAnon has announced her intention to reclaim the number one Google search results spot for the phrase “sex blog” which she apparently had at some point back before Bacchus got into the sex blogging line.

Now, Jessica evidently has more web designing talent in her left nipple than Bacchus could ever hope to possess, plus she has some natural (and they do look deliciously natural) advantages, which she proffers up most fetchingly at the top of her blog as the “#1 Blog Boobies on the Web.” (Bacchus is way too much of a gentleman to argue, even if he was inclined to do so, which he is not, even though he has seem some other fine candidates that discretion and an avoidance of invidious comparisons prevents him from identifying with particularity.)

So anyways, BlogAnon is a damn fine read and goes on the linklist. But about that #1 Google spot for “sex blog”? Not gonna happen. As the dad says in Cheaper by the Dozen: “Over my dead body, and it will be quite a climb.” Bacchus fought and scratched for the magnificent twenty hits a day the number one spot delivers, and he’s not gonna give it up without a fight. Bring pitons and a helicopter for the photographers.

[2006 Update: Four years later, BlogAnon is long gone and the domain snapped up by a click farmer. In recent months Eros Blog has been swapping the number one spot with a defunct blog by one TwiddlyBits. BlogAnon never did rescale those heights.]

Jessica has a secret weapon, though, in the form of this fine sex blog song to the tune of Tom Jone’s Sex Bomb:

Sex blog, sex blog
you’re a sex blog,
showing us your boobies
there’s no way you can go wrong
sex blog, sex blog
you’re a sex blog,
and baby you can turn me on

(Better than what? Fair question. Better than living with Mother Palm and her five daughters, by all accounts. Bacchus avidly and sincerely doubts that companionable ladies have anything to fear from this form of competition.)

Now, is that a backwards and indirect way to start a sex blog entry, or what? Enough pussyfooting (if the expression may be forgiven) around and beating about the bush. (Hmm, forgiveness for inapt expressions probably getting to be an impossible dream by now. Stay tuned, it only gets worse from here.)

The web is awash with tales of The Fleshlight — a male masturbation toy that apparently doesn’t suck. (Literally or figuratively — can we just stop noticing the inapt turns of phrase for a while? If Bacchus was a competent writer, he’d be getting paid for all this.)

Anyway, this toy is all over the web, has been since about 1998 or so, but given the nature of things it’s tough to find a guy who will admit to having tried it. (Personal reviews in the comments are hereby solicited.) However, many of the reviews are positive. For instance:

About a week later it arrived. I was instantly worried when I felt how heavy it was, but that ended up being a plus. Once it was unwrapped, I ran a finger over the pink lips. The feeling was soft and malleable, “Real Feel Super Skin” is simply amazing. It’s light mild sent of vanilla was pleasant and not over powering. I followed the easy instructions and got to work. A few moments later I was moaning in ecstasy.

Is the “Fleshlight” better than the real thing? No. But if you had the real thing, you wouldn’t be reading this. Is it better then your hand? Oh yes! I couldn’t believe how good it felt, so close to the real thing, but no need to buy flowers.

The folks over at Clean Sheets were a little more reserved in their endorsement, but they still gave this item a thumb (or something) up:

Our reviewer’s first impressions of the product were “I GOTTA have this” and “very unusual feel.” Said one man; “The appearance was relatively life-like. The vanilla scent was oddly pleasing.” Indeed. Closing your eyes and touching the material is eerie; like touching the real thing. One man said “Closest thing to the real thing I ever felt.”

In use, they seem to cull all kinds of honors. “With the right lube, the feel is very nice.”

Overall, this product received very handsome commentary: “Not as good as the real thing but definitely better than your hand. I like using it while watching videos.” “This is tons of fun and feels great. It’s almost the perfect sex toy!”

Bacchus has not yet tried this device — it’s not exactly cheap, and there’s an “ick factor” (reported on by the folks at Nerve) that’s impossible to ignore. (However, even the Nerve reviewer appears to have enjoyed the Fleshlight once he, uhm, “screwed his courage to the sticking point” and got down to business.)

So: Any fans of this thing out there who want to tell us how it feels?

In which Acidman shuffles the deck of humanity and explains how to deal for maximum good times all around:

“Why are people so confused, tangled and mangled about sex? From my experience, I’ve learned that people are like a deck of cards. Everybody fits into a certain suit. Hearts, Diamonds, Clubs or Spades, and everybody picks what they want to be. The hearts want love, the diamonds want wealth, the clubs like things dangerous and the spades work hard and never make much money. Everybody screws, but hearts don’t last with clubs and spades don’t last with diamonds. You’ve got to find your own suit, or it will never work.”

Now we just need a volunteer to step up to the plate and gin up a “What Suit Are You?” quiz.

The Group Captain provided this map as evidence that the Middle East is in deep shit:

Ayup. And it’s DARK in there, too. Plus the ventilation, while sometimes vigorous, leaves a bit to be desired.

However, Bacchus is a twisted fellow, and therefore wonders whether this map might not also explain the existence (or, worse yet, the immediate adjacency) of the following two entries from the ErosBlog referral logs:

islamic questions about oral sex
israeli gas mask fetish

Dang! This is one sexy ear!

And that’s a nice tattoo, although one would think the feather would tickle. Especially when kissed.

Sexy ear, you ask?

Well, why not? If Acidman can link to toe porn, what’s wrong with ear porn?

Besides, have you ever seen such a kissable ear vicinity? Bacchus thinks not.

Only trouble is, this genre-defining bit of earotica arrived (earrived?) by email; its provenance and owner are unknown. If this is your ear, please step forward and become known to the vast ErosBlog readership! Linkage, modeling credits, photographer credits, tattoo artist credits, whatever — all will be cheerfully added in this space. Heck, we might even be able to round up a couple of ear groupies!

Reuters via Yahoo reports:

Hundreds of women from drought-ravaged southern Australia plan to bare it all to the heavens in a bid to make it rain.

Inspired by a Nepalese drought-breaking tradition, the women from Ouyen in the far northwest of Victoria state will carry out a naked rain dance in the barren outback in early March, just ahead of the planting season for the next crop.

Hey, why not? Since it obviously works so well in Nepal….