June 20th, 2020 -- by Bacchus
Legs On A Train
I don’t care how long your train trip is. If you’ll be sitting across from those bestockinged legs, you won’t get bored:
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June 19th, 2020 -- by Bacchus
It’s All About The Space Titties
After 22 months in space, our spacefaring dudes probably aren’t in any mood to be fussy. Fortunately, they don’t have to be. Due to prudish cartoonery, we can’t quite see whether these alien ladies are equipped with “that portion…that appeals to man’s depravity” or, if you prefer, “the essential part wanted by man.” But do our Heroic Astronauts care? No, because the titty analogs are very persuasive!
Cartoon is from the January 1960 issue of Caper.
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June 18th, 2020 -- by Bacchus
Complicated BDSM Sex Machines
I have always been a sucker for complicated sex machines. Since I am not a mad-scientist tinker-engineer, of course this means I don’t actually have any to play with. No, my joy in baroque sex machinery manifests chiefly as an aesthetic appreciation for the fantastic imaginings of other people, who combine the kind of depraved imagination I like with enough artistic ability to render their sex-machine inventions into sweet lovely porn.
Although Japanese anime and its associated erotic art fandoms are the main source of bizarre sex machine depictions, the world of in-browser HTML5 sex games and BDSM simulator type amusements has latterly been contributing to the feeding of my jones for sex machine imagery featuring lots of bells, whistles, helmets, visors, screens, dials, buttons, manipulators, restraints, and orgasm-counting readouts. Indeed I find that a bit of BDSM functionality is de rigueur for any sex machine worthy of the name. I mean, if “lots of screaming orgasms” is the goal, that’s gonna require precise positioning of the screaming individual. And people are generally terrible about staying where you put them while some complex machine stimulates them beyond the capacity for human self-restraint. A few shackles, straps, and implacable robotic gripping arms make the entire process proceed much more efficiently. It’s only logical!
If the particular sex machine in question is also a full virtual reality simulator setup with sensory-imposition visor and a robust full-range-of-motion haptic-feedback suite sufficient to simulate enforced exercise or whatever “overwhelmed by superior force” fantasy the VR programmers can dream up, so much the better! I mean, seriously, how much fun could we all have with a rig like that?
Remote administration tools with lots of oscilloscope displays that monitor arousal — yup, that’s a good feature. Of course the machine should have those. You know you hardly even needed to ask a silly question like that.
What else should go on the wishlist? Well, there’s nothing at all wrong with a good solid industrial robustness to the sex machine engineering. Some of these sessions may go long. A machine that breaks down before the exhausted user does is no good to anybody. Plus, too many wires and tubes on there give you too many things to break or come disconnected. No, it’s perfectly fine to build the thing like an Imperial Walker. If it’s built to keep working after thirty none-too-bright stormtroopers kick it out of the back of cargo lander in a dust storm at 10,000 feet on a parachute pallet, that’s about right:
The real test of a sex machine, of course, is how well it delivers pleasure. If it’s causing the user to generate a lot of noisy complaints, but in a tone of voice that a manga letterer would render with lots of enthusiastic heart emojis, that’s probably about right:
As you can see, I have a lot of notions about what makes a good sex machine. Odds are, the one I want won’t be on the market any too soon. Isn’t that sad?
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June 17th, 2020 -- by Bacchus
Maniac JAV From ZENRA
As a horny young man, I was an avid porn consumer — but I was limited in what I could find. Generally, that was formulaic American stuff, with a few expensive (and much dirtier) European imports. If you didn’t have access to a porn shop in a very large city, back then, you might never become aware of the gloriously perverted universe of porn from Japan. In my case, the first eye-opening encounter was hentai manga panels trickling in via dial-up bulletin board systems (BBS) in 1990 or so. And then, for me, came the encounter so hair-raising that I nearly sprained my scalp! Walking past the open door of a small viewing room at the BayCon 92 science fiction convention in San Jose, I caught a glimpse of a grainy, subtitled, multiply-copied VHS video tape presentation of Urotsukidoji: Legend of the Overfiend. Bondage tentacle sex? Yes!
I’ve seen weirder stuff from Japan since. (Do you doubt me? Type “Genki” into the ErosBlog search box and tremble in your renewed belief!) With the rise of the internet, the amazing breadth and dynamic range of Japanese porn became clearer to me every year. Manga, erotic anime, idols, the whole universe of JAV porn, funky game shows and game-show-inspired porn movies, every fetish and perversion you could imagine. The bottom line: no culture in the world offers a more breath-taking diversity of dirty movies, photos, animations, and comics.
With the rise of the internet, all this pornographic goodness became widely available. But “available” is a slippery word. The Pacific is a big ocean, the language barrier is vast, and often, even the best Japanese porn to arrive on these shores was poorly copied, badly labeled, indifferently subtitled, and stripped of its metadata. It was a thing you could watch, but getting a good copy that was connected to its cultural context always took extra work. For this reason, I’ve long treasured the sites that do the work of offering and presenting JAV in decent quality, with good subtitles, reviews, and (when available) uncensored no-mosaic versions. One such site is ZENRA, the home of “Subtitled Japanese Maniac AV”.
ZENRA movies are legally licensed with high-quality English subtitles. The content is as diverse and eclectic as you would expect from a site with “maniac JAV” right there on the logo, plus more than 1000 titles to choose from. You won’t find a lot of traditional (boring) porn at JENRA; it’s more about exploring fetishes and fantasies that are at least somewhat bizarre. Think unusual erotic setups like porny game shows, orgies, cheating wives, bathhouses, even medical settings gone badly wrong.
Better yet, all the movies are presented with lengthy and detailed reviews, plus screen caps, trailers, and unique supercuts that show several short clips simultaneously. It’s a great way to become familiar with the huge JAV universe.
No single example could be truly representative, but let me point you for illustrative purposes at The Private Parts Guessing Game — Extreme Barrel Challenge 2 (First Half). Most of the screenshots illustrating this post come from that movie. And here’s a fragment of one paragraph from the five-paragraph review, to give you a sense of the detail in these things:
Like the first one, the biggest issue Japanese reviewers found with this series was the “geezer host”. I agree — almost wholeheartedly — that RIRI KOUDA or any other slightly mature and commanding woman would have done a better job. The fact that they could hire five actresses and not an extra one (who would remain clothed thus not needing to be paid as much) is perplexing. On one hand, the male host isn’t bad. I haven’t seen him in other titles, but he did what he had to do OK.
If you love your quirky Japanese porn, you’ll enjoy this site. Have fun checking it out!
June 16th, 2020 -- by Bacchus
Sixteen Years Of Pornocalypse At Adam & Eve
I am somewhat notorious for doom-and-glooming that the pornocalypse comes for us all. The aphorism is shorthand for my observation that companies and social media platforms evolve through a life cycle in which porn, adult sites, and persons interested in these are initially welcome while a platform or internet business builds out its internet presence, and then — slowly or rapidly — these outfits purge all the porn from their platforms in response to various pressures. Often, there’s a hypocritical element, especially when the company or platform retains a business model that’s porn-adjacent. In such cases, the porn purge looks like greasily disingenuous posturing: “What we do here is a matter of healthy pleasure. We’re not pornographic, oh no! And to prove it, we’ll exclude all those stinky pornographers — yes, the very ones that we courted for their traffic and money when we were younger, newer, and more desperate for traffic.”
The #pornocalypse comes for us all. I’ve detailed dozens of examples since 2013 and — without the catchphrase — going all the way back to 2004 when LiveJournal started cracking down on the sex bloggers who helped make it great. I’ve been on this beat a long time.
You want to know who has been on their beat even longer than I’ve been on mine? The legendary sex toy sellers Adam & Eve, who these days style themselves the “#1 Adult Toy Superstore.” They’ve been at it for fifty fucking years — an entire half-century. They got their start selling condoms and lube in brick-and-mortar stores, then branched out by starting a highly-successful condoms-by-mail business at a time when this was still technically illegal because of the Comstock Act. At some point they added sex toys and began franchising their brand to more than sixty sex shops nationwide. Prior to 1996, they put up a website they called “a collection of the finest erotic catalogs on the Internet.” Yeah, they’ve been at this game for a minute or two.
Now, let me tell you the story of how Adam & Eve the sex toy selling mega-chain first came to overlap with my little operation here at ErosBlog. Cast your mind back sixteen years, to 2004. There I was, blogging happily along, when I got a lovely email from Libby. “Libby from Adam & Eve” was a genuinely nice person who later became a sex blogger in her own right. In 2004, she greeted me with kind words complimenting ErosBlog for being “chock full of wickedness” and being “one of the most popular sex blogs in the world.” (That last was the best kind of flattery, since it was, at the time, essentially true.) Here’s Libby’s entire email. (Yes, I still have it.) You’ll need to click to make it big enough to read:
The essence of Libby’s pitch: Adam & Eve wanted to “start a brand new e-lationship” with ErosBlog. (Aren’t you glad that neologism didn’t catch on?) Our new “e-lationship”, boiled down, was intended to be a sort of primitive affiliate deal:
Wasn’t that nice?
In truth, it wasn’t. In those halcyon days, most affiliate schemes offered more than a 20% revshare. And although sex toy affiliate programs have always been notorious for not offering useful stats that an affiliate can use to track sales, Adam & Eve basically had no stats at all; it was my impression that their program was a “trust us” deal where they periodically paid out revenue without any visibility at all into the number of sales, the referring links, or anything else that affiliates need to verify that we are getting fairly paid.
So I wrote back, and, long story short, pitched them to buy a banner ad instead. Which they did, maintaining it on and off for the next year or two. My stinky-porn sex blog traffic was worth paying for, and pay they did:
Note the content the Adam & Eve banner ad is running next to in this screenshot: it’s a brutal spanking photo from this post, featuring an interview with a spanking model about the experience of modeling for one of the most severe/BDSM spanking porn producers of her day. In 2004 and 2005, Adam & Eve was happy to advertise against this raunchy porn content.
But, you know: the pornocalypse comes for us all.
Fast forward to 2020. I am, for various reasons, currently in the market for a good sex toy affiliate program. I went to Adam & Eve to see what their offering might be these days. And it instantly became clear that they have succumbed to the pornocalypse. Their affiliate program these days has two layers of content screening for potential affiliates. A potential affiliate has to satisfy not only Adam & Eve, but also their third-party affiliate program operator, a company called Ascend.
Adam & Eve, who used to be totally fine running their banner against painful spanking content, now say they won’t allow their affiliate links to appear on any website that publishes bondage, pain, or urination content:
Well, fuck. ErosBlog sometimes offers pissing stuff. bondage, BDSM, and pain content, too. After all these years, I still have zero fucking clue how a photo of a bondage scene is supposed to “depict” the “consent of the participants” — is the model supposed to hold an “I consent” cardboard sign, or what? Indeed, I’ve blogged at length about the actual ways to confirm consent in the BDSM porn we enjoy. Ironically, one of the first posts in which I did so was the brutal-spanking post that appears next to Adam & Eve’s banner in the 2005 screenshot above.
But that’s not all. Adam & Eve have some sort of working agreement with an affiliate program operator called Ascend. To become an Adam & Eve affiliate in 2020, you’ve also got to satisfy the content requirements that Ascend imposes:
That’s right, folks. To sell sex toys for Adam & Eve, you’ve got to do it from a website that doesn’t have any “pornographic, obscene, sexually explicit, or related content.” I dunno how you’d do that, but them’s the rules. I didn’t make ’em.
I call terms of service like this “porn-hostile TOS”. It’s my policy not to do business with anybody that has porn-hostile TOS. But, sometimes, the porn-hostile TOS are just for show. Sometimes, they are intended to cover butts and look good, but they aren’t enforced. By the time I got this deep into reading the rules, I had become curious whether Adam & Eve (and Ascend) could actually be 100% serious about all this porn-hostile nonsense. From a sex toy retailer! So I went ahead and filled out an affiliate application, just for the pleasure of seeing my inevitable rejection letter.
I was not disappointed. Here it is:
That makes it all nice and offical! My website does not meet their quality standards. It contains “inappropriate content”. Sixteen years ago, they pitched me to join their affiliate program, and when I said no, they bought advertising. Now? The pornocalypse comes for us all. Nowadays, you can’t sell sex toys for Adam & Eve if your website has “pornographic” or “sexually explicit” content. How the fuck does that even work? Sex toys are sexually explicit by fucking definition. Putting the Adam & Eve link on your website makes your website sexually explicit! What the actual fuck? It doesn’t make any sense.
The pornocalypse comes for us all. It fucking ate Adam & Eve.
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June 14th, 2020 -- by Bacchus
Why Rich Men Buy Boats
On the one hand, this looks like a working dive boat, not a rich man’s nautical toy. So, probably a rental. On the other hand, the day rates on those things aren’t exactly cheap; it’s a fat chunk of change to lay out, just so your sugar-baby kept woman and her two closest friends “from the agency” can go skinny-dipping while you take pictures. Maybe I need a series called “Why Rich Men Rent Boats” but really, I think that’s just too much obsession over minor details.
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June 12th, 2020 -- by Bacchus
Caught In The Act Of “Paying The Plumber”
This virtuous young wife supposed that perhaps it would be best to save a bit of money from the household upkeep budget by offering the plumber a bit of alternative payment. Sadly, neither of them expected her husband to come so soon to inspect the work:
Artwork is by J. Ashely.
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