Yup, lesbians, with enema gear, in bunkbeds. Would I lie to you in a post-title headline?

The reason these enema lesbians are strangely distorted is that so, too, was the magazine cover photo this is cropped from. Somebody photographed it from a funny angle: volume 1, number 1 (do you imagine there was ever a second issue?) of Amateur Lesbian Water Lovers. I shit you not. “Their red hot bottoms soak up soapy quarts!”

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I am not a hair-color bigot. The whole “gentlemen prefer blondes” thing? I can’t speak for gentlemen, but it’s not true for me. All of my crushes in life have been for women with brown or black hair. Uma Thurman is very blonde and very hot in Quentin Tarantino’s movie Kill Bill, but the dark brunette female assassins of the Crazy 88 are the ladies I remember most clearly in my mind’s eye.

Still, I’m just one man. And there’s no denying that a pretty blonde woman is an attention getter. It’s for that reason, I think, that movie directors and photographers gravitate so strongly to blondes. That bright hair grabs the eye, which can make for good — or at least popular — art.

And that’s why we hear it said that the camera loves blondes. It’s not so much the camera as the auteur who poses the shot — but blondes are popular, and that makes them commercial. “Commercial” being a key word here: I don’t have statistics, but it seems as if “going blond” with the help of a bottle of hair dye may be the most popular choice for young women looking to break into any of the entertainment businesses.

It becomes professionally interesting to me when I notice that “blonde” is not only a hair color, but it’s also a fetish porn category like “shoes” or “smoking” or “latex”. As well as — to return to our cameras theme — a marketing category. Paid cams performers often struggle to differentiate themselves; new customers skimming a sea of thumbnails may gravitate to blonde cam girls like the ones at Camzter.tv. And if it happens enough, the blondes wind up in their own category, on their own page. Does that happen to brunettes? Perhaps — but I don’t think quite so often.

Sadly for imaginary blondes everywhere, blonde hair also can attract negative attention. There seems to be a mini-fetish among hentai anime artists for drawing blondes as a target for painful BDSM shenanigans. I suppose this might be a particular case of the more general phenomenon of blonde women attracting unwelcome notice and mistreatment in cultures where blonde hair is rare, and serves as a signifier for “foreign” and “unprotected”:

Like I said, I’m not a hair-color bigot. I hope it’s not true that blondes have more fun. But I think it’s inarguable that they do get more attention!

Artist credits for the blonde-featuring artworks in this post are, from top to bottom: Misako12003, Dakun, Shuugetsu Karasu, Aya-chan aka “Smoke”, Charlotte Dunois, and Mvv.

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One of those “mannered gentlemen” collections of etiquette I’ve encountered in my life has left me with the unverified impression that “the ladies” consider it a horrible breach of politesse for a man to come to bed with his socks on. So how much of a rank cad must this fellow be, to wear his actual boots while fucking?

Via Kinky Delight. Artwork is by Tom Sargent.

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It looks to me as if the lady isn’t too keen on really diving into the oral ministrations this blowjob scene would seem to require. On the other hand, with one hand on the shaft of his cock and one firmly wrapped around his balls, I don’t expect he’s dumb enough to complain:

Artwork by Bill Ward.

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A few months ago, I mentioned an intended blog post I have yet to write about the conflicting narratives of Linda Lovelace with regard to her experiences making Deep Throat:

This story involves Linda Lovelace, famous to oldsters like me for her uninhibited performance in the now-vintage porn movie Deep Throat. At some point after she had long been retired from the business, she partnered up with anti-porn activists and a book was released in her name detailing her negative experiences during her porn career. Without going into too much detail, I just want to say that it’s a struggle to reconcile her post-porn account of her coercive experiences with the scenes actually visible on 16mm film. Some of her contemporaries from the production, interviewed about her modern account of negative experiences, seem to struggle likewise. But again, who am I to call her account into question? That’s why my post about Linda Lovelace is the blog post that’s gone unwritten longer (by at least a decade) than any other partially-formed posting notion that’s ever passed through my head.

…

I’m not old enough to have seen Deep Throat in a movie theater, but I’m old enough to have stumbled over a 1970s dirty book on a paperback swap rack. That book, too, had Linda Lovelace’s name on it. And that narrative was upbeat and empowered. The positive tone of the narrative voice in that book matched Linda’s performative presentation in her movies.

Who am I to call her account into question? You can’t ask that question without also asking: which account? They can’t both be true!

I still haven’t written that blog post. But I did just stumble over a 1982 interview with Harry Reems in Porn Stars magazine where he brought up the conflicting Lovelace narratives. At first it seems to have been a joke, but when the interviewer pursued the topic, he gave what appear to be serious answers:

At least now I know my ancient memory of her upbeat 1974 book is real!

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The following comes from a thread by Dr. Bob Nicholson (aka “The Digital Victorian”) on Twitter, excerpting a series of 1892 newspaper reader responses on the question of how to “manage a husband”. This letter sounds to my modern ear more like a dominatrix’s online marketing copy than a true and real account of three marriages:

I found myself curious about the greater context of Mary Louse B.’s concluding quatrain, so of course I had to look it up. It’s half of a poem:

A Useful Hint
By Aaron Hill (1685—1750)

TENDER-HANDED stroke a nettle,
And it stings you for your pains;
Grasp it like a man of mettle,
And it soft as silk remains.

‘Tis the same with common natures,
Use them kindly they rebel;
But be rough as nutmeg graters,
And the rogues obey you well.

Or, as Spanking Blog once described this poem: “Bad horticultural data from Aesop, recycled as unpleasant management advice.”

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Remember video games, as they were back in 1982? They were kinda blocky and beepy. With a couple of notable exceptions, they also weren’t the least bit erotic. But people understood that wouldn’t last forever!

And that’s how Porn Stars magazine came to devote two full pages of their September/October 1982 issue to porn games of the future, as imagined by eight of the biggest names in porn. Their headline was Future Vid-Sex Games: Porn Stars Predict Tomorrow’s Turn-Ons. Ron Jeremy had an idea for a damp and smelly Missile Command clone called Penile Command:

Keepin’ it classy, Ron! I’m surprised nobody ever made that one… sure I am.