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The Sex Blog Of Record
October 8th, 2009 -- by Bacchus
A few months back, some folks decided to invoke The Guiding Spirits of Our Founding Fathers by holding political protests in symbolic invocation of the Boston Tea Party. They showed up carrying signs, had noisy speakers make noisy speeches, waved some tea bags around, and in some cases, threw said tea bags into nearby bodies of water.
So far, so normal. Public life in America. Could have happened in any decade of the last couple of hundred years.
But… it turned out there was a small cultural misunderstanding. There are some divergent strands in U.S. culture these days, and as the culture fragments, communication “cross-strand” becomes difficult due to linguistic drift.
Thus, some of the people with the tea bags began to call themselves “tea baggers”; and they started calling their protest efforts “tea bagging”.
Hilarity ensued, because of the the fact that “tea bag” (as a verb) already had a well-established sexual connotation in popular slang. A fact of which the “new” tea baggers appeared to be blissfully ignorant.
I was reminded of all of this when I saw a certain t-shirt. Wouldn’t this shirt have been the very perfect thing to wear to one of those protests?
October 7th, 2009 -- by Bacchus
This is a detail from an engraving by John Buckland Wright:
October 6th, 2009 -- by Bacchus
Despite the tiredness of the titular pun, a literal exemplar has turned up in a comic called “The Black Czarina” by one Salomon Grundig. The other title I considered for this post was “The World’s Fanciest Cock Ring”, but when the talk balloon reads “My shaft is girded in armor that will prove very effective in producing pain when it enters your little ass” I figured I should go with the destruction headline:
I’m sparing you all, gentle readers, from the next panel with the splashing red ink.
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October 3rd, 2009 -- by Bacchus
I’ve been interested in computer erotica since nineteen eighty-something when I first saw a Mac “game” that featured a black-and-white line drawing of a naked woman, and some on-screen dildos that could be manipulated with a mouse to make her demonstrate an orgasm. (Some happy screaming audio and some screen-shaking in the best traditions of the early Star Trek, if I recall rightly.)
For almost as long, people have been using 3D drawing software titles like Poser to draw dirty pictures. Some of that artwork is incredibly good, although as with any other genre, there’s a crap-ton of crap also.
Since my EverQuest days (many of which were spent as a Cleric on autofollow behind an insufficiently-dressed wood-elf Ranger as she bounced up and down over the hilly plains of East Karana) I’ve figured that the killer app for massively multiplayer online gaming would be an adult/erotic application that allowed you dispense with clothes and take cybering into the visual realm. So far, nobody’s put together a good engine for doing that; but I remain as confident as ever that this, too, will come.
Although it’s apparently not social or multiplayer, I’ve recently become aware of a game engine marketed by Hustler that seems to be working on a lot of the sort of tools such a sex MMORPG would require. Hustler 3D has graphics that remind me a lot of EverQuest (late 1990s tech) in quality, but I suspect it’s the interactivity that will make it sell. Letting the customers control the action and the poses, and giving them a range of sex toys and bondage gear to play with, is going to appeal to a lot of people:
The marketing copy describes Hustler 3d as:
a stunning interactive world where consumers can play out their wildest hardcore fantasies. HUSTLER3D.COM is a stunning interactive world where users can enjoy incredibly realistic erotic experiences. Members can construct their perfect sexual partner by selecting a model or their favorite pornstar and modifying over 100 physical features. They can then explore unlimited sexual fantasies incorporating a wide selection of environments, novelties and sexual positions. HUSTLER3D.COM also gives users the ability to create their own HD picture galleries of their sexual adventures!
Although I suspect this project falls far short of the interactivity and (especially) sociability I’ve been imagining since my EverQuest days, it’s clear that there are an enormous array of tools provided. Among the advertised features are:
- Very specific accessories (“New Ball Free Gag Ring: Tired of that gag ball blocking a perfectly good hole to drop a load into? Well now you can have the perfect setup for target practice and endlessly squirt cum to your little heart’s desire! Can you say ahhh, and excuse me if I’m not mistaken isn’t that cum all over your tonsils?”)
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Support for furries (“Furverted furdom fans can now play with anthropomorphic furry personas to create erotic fandom art”)
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Elf and Vulcan ears (“Dial in fantastical ears in either ‘Elf’ or ‘Vulcan’ style”)
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Tongue control (“Mouth & Tongue Animation Sliders: Now you can have your models lick and flick a dick with the best of them!”
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Dildo customization (“Custom Dildos While-U-Wait! Let your wicked imagination go wild with this fun new tool to customize size, shape, and style of your own range of dildos! Create sleek tools or insane scary big brutal ones to satisfy your insertion fantasies.”)
Technology marches on!
Update: Hustler no longer offers this product, so the links in the post have been removed. However, it seems to have been a branded version of the 3D SexVilla product.
October 1st, 2009 -- by Bacchus
When I first saw the following photo sequence, I thought for a moment that Kinkerbelle had somehow fallen in with a schismatic sect of Baptist nudists. I mean, it’s not entirely inconceivable, is it? You take some full immersionists who want to be, like, really sure that your soul has been washed clean of sin, and maybe the idea is, wearing robes isn’t the best way to take the most important bath of your life?
Alas, my flight of fancy was soon punctured. Kinkerbelle “merely” went to a kinky luau party, and writes “It is indeed a rush to have someone’s breath in the palm of your hand.”
Which is fine, and all, but still a let-down. Wouldn’t it be a richer world, that had nudist Baptists in it?
(I am now taking positions in the betting pool for how many minutes it is until somebody makes a comment telling me how wrong wrong WRONG — on the Internetz, ZOMG! — I am due to not knowing about the rich traditions of naked baptism among the [group of people] during the [timeframe] in [state, region, or country]. Side bets will also be accepted on whether such a comment happens before or after someone tries to lecture me about insufficient respect for religion.)
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September 30th, 2009 -- by Bacchus
This image comes via The Art Newspaper:
They explain:
A Louvre art restorer came across a stimulating discovery while cleaning a 17th-century canvas by French artist Nicolas Poussin–a fully erect penis hidden by layers of paint. While working on Poussin’s huge canvas Hymenaios Disguised as a Woman During an Offering to Priapus (1634-38), Brazilian conservator Regina Pinto Moreira uncovered the fertility god’s, er, surprise package, which had been concealed by centuries of dirt and paint. Speaking to the São Paulo press, Moreira said she suspects conservative Catholic critics made a later artist cover up the offending member in the 18th century. “They hid the phallus of Priapus. It’s what we call adjustment for modesty, and it’s not uncommon.”
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September 29th, 2009 -- by Bacchus
Getting between a woman and her chocolate can be dangerous at the best of times. At the worst of times? It’s simply NOT smart.
It turns out there’s an aggravated version of this offense that’s even more dangerous, and Korey knew a man who almost pushed it too far:
Let me tell you the tale (though quite perverse, I warn you) about how I almost killed my ex fiancé over the left-over brownie batter. This story will make you think less of me, I know, but it’s a true story. I like to think I’m a normal person, too–until I think back to this dark, dark time.
I had walked in from class, and my ex boyfriend, all 340 pounds of him, was cooking–which was what the man did best. He was excellent at cooking, and I’m still trying to shed off the forty-five pounds I had gained during the course of our relationship. That day, he was making brownies.
Now, I don’t even care for brownies. Not as much as the uncooked batter. JP, my ex, didn’t believe in eating batter since he had gotten salmonella poisoning when he was a kid from eating batter with a raw egg in it. Such a thing had never, and has never, happened to me, and I hated that he would try to clean the bowl before I had a chance to lick it.
Today, I was PMSing, and as most of you women know, we need chocolate during this time. We will climb a mountain for chocolate. We will fight for it. And so, I begged as hard as I could for the batter, and finally JP made a deal with me.
If I performed oral on him, I could have the bowl.
Oh my God! Are you a chocolate whore?
Yes, I am. I’m not proud of it, but I took his deal, and afterwards, let him have sex with me, even though I made it clear that I was not in the mood. After it was done, needless to say, I felt deserving of the chocolate. However, by the time I was finished getting dressed after the ordeal, I came out into the kitchen and saw the bowl in the sink, with water in it, soaking.
My mouth dropped. “But–my CHOCOLATE!” I gasped.
JP smirked at me and shrugged. “I told you that raw egg’s not good for you.”
I looked at the knives next to me. JP didn’t know how close he was to death. Every inch of my being yearned to take one of those knives and stick it into him with all my strength. I was not myself. I was shaking.
As I was trying to fight this powerful will that was trying to put me in prison for the rest of my life, JP suddenly produced a chocolate batter-covered spoon. It saved his life. I calmed down instantly, but I found I was sick. My adrenaline was surging. I was still seeing white. I had very nearly killed him.
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