…shoots himself in the foot. Alternative title for this post: How To NOT Get 3,000 Hits from Fleshbot And A Spot On My Blogroll.

This time, the cutesy javascript said:

“As perverse as it is, you can’t have it.”

I didn’t want to “have it”, I wanted to share it. Some people just don’t play well with others, I guess.

Columnist Emily Pepper writes about the TMI hazards of writing a sex column:

This is worse with family. My grandpa told me he once had anonymous anal intercourse with some Parisian guy — while married to my grandma, no less — because he was questioning his sexual identity, wanted to experiment, etc. And it all turns out for the best, in the end: As the Frenchman embraced him and whispered, “Je t’aime” into his ear, he realized he really preferred women, and, when the evening was over, politely bid Louis L’Amour goodnight and went trotting home. An interesting story. Not, however, one you want dropped on you out of the blue by your 80-something grandfather. It’s uncomfortable. Afterward, I beat my head against a drainpipe and sniffed glue trying to get the naked-grandpa images out of my head — sadly, all to no avail.

Thanks to Waking Vixen for her report from the front lines in the war on terror, aka the dreaded New York Subway random bag searches:

Yesterday, the bag search finally happened to me. As luck would have it, I was carrying a bag full of dildos, butt plugs, lube, condoms, a strap on harness and spiky high heels. I got pulled aside and the cop asked me to open my (black! suspicious!) bag. I obliged, and the collection of silicone toys was right on top, with a stiletto poking straight up in the air. The cop didn’t even bat an eye, just nodded and waved me through the turnstile.

This has got to qualify as my wacky email of the week. Reproduced in its entirety, exactly as received:

hay i got an e-mail of garden gnome sex from what I can tell thier some thing going on with with ower frendly garden gnome’s and naked girls that have to much time

Er, thanks for the tip.

Sorry, folks. I know that enemas are not universally considered sexy. But they are a commonly fetishized activity. And if you don’t like the enema portion of these transcripts of Marilyn Monroe’s conversations with her therapist, there’s always her comments on orgasms or spanking to enjoy.

Marilyn on enemas:

“I don’t understand this big taboo about enemas. Most of the actresses I know use them, even some who won’t admit it. Mae West told me she is given an enema every day and she has at least one orgasm a day. Mae says her enemas and orgasms will keep her young until she is 100.

Peter Crawford says the Queen and noblemen of the court of Louis XIV were give frequent enemas by special servants called apothecaries. The purpose was to give them peaches and cream complexions. Something about intestinal toxins getting into your blood. So there you are. Those ladies were doing the intelligent thing.

Yes. I enjoy enemas, so what!”

Fellows, can you belive it? There was once a time so backwards, so primitive, that not only did they have to shoot pinup models with black-and-white film, but a pretty girl like this couldn’t find a gentleman to scratch her back, and so she had to make use of primitive wooden tools to get the job done. Shocking!

Yet another gem from alt. binaries. pictures. erotica. vintage.

From Rollertrain comes a set of hilarious stories documenting certain calls placed to the customer service department at a sex toy mail order emporium. My favorite is The Man Who Drank Lube:

Customer: I took this an hour ago and nothing is happening.

Hez: What was it that you took, sir?

Customer: It said two pumps. I bought the 32 ounce bottle Thin Lube, and I took two pumps of it, but nothing is happening.

Hez: You drank lube?

Customer: I drank it an hour ago and nothing is happening.

Hez: Sir, you actually drank the lube?

Customer: Yes, and I’m not lubricated yet.

Hez: Sir, do you understand that you’re supposed to apply lubricant topically?

Customer: It says to take two pumps.

Hez: Sir, does the bottle say that it’s a water-based lube, or a silicon-based lube?

Customer: [Fumbling for minutes] Water soluble. But I am not lubricated.

Hez: Sir, you’ll be lubricated in about four hours.