Fucking Sluts: A Love Poem

I rather famously don’t believe in sluts. I’m not sure that comedian and actor Bo Burnham does either, but he certainly did go through a phase in which he liked to shock audiences with transgressive language. I extracted and excerpted this (he called it a love poem, and I think I believe him, but you easily might not, and that would be a defensible stance) from a spoken word performance he did on Comedy Central back in 2013, presently available on Youtube. It’s hard for my rapidly-aging ears to make out all of his intricate rapid-fire patter on the recording, but AI-assisted transcription is getting super-good these days.

I Fuck Sluts

Sluts! Sluts! Sluts! I fuck sluts.

Sluts get fucked when I fuck sluts, no ifs, ands, and/or buts. I fuck sluts. I fuck sluts.

Nice girls are nice, but no good for nut-sucking. They’ll need a serene night to greenlight a buttfucking, but that’ll be easy with sleazy old slutfucking. Boo to the nice girls. Praise be to slutfucking. I have a list, a list, yes a list of all the sluts I’ve missed. I’ve never fucked or sucked these sluts, and thus my nuts are fucking pissed.

So when I fuck the lucky slut, my nut removes her from the list. Another dumb cum-bucket struck from my nut-sucking, suck-it-slut, slut-fucking bucket list.

Sluts can be white, black, brown, pink, or almond. They can be skinny with big tits, or be skinny with small ones. Sluts can be perky, preppy, or posh, with their brains and their clothes all shrunk from the wash.

But other sluts are pretty and funny and smart. These sluts can lift all your thoughts from your dick to your heart. They can talk about science, music, or art. They can put you together, or they can pull you apart, but don’t trust these sluts. Don’t you dare! They’ll force you to trust them and love them and care. And then they’ll be gone, and then you’ll be aware of that hole in your heart that that dumb slut left there.

[In a tone of sarcastic over-explaining:] “So, you see, he was lashing out with sexist language because he had his heart broken…”

In 2013, Bo himself was only 23 years old. The viewpoint-narrator in this poem (and with this language I am explicitly disclaiming the old mistake of finding the author’s opinions in the words of his characters) sounds at least that young to me. It’s right at the top of the poem. “Boo to the nice girls” my hairy ass. There are nicer girls to be met!

Similar Sex Blogging:

• Too Slutty? Anal With Her Husband
• Slut Bargains
• Humiliated Tramp And Slut (Alleged)
• Hating On Sluts And Whores: Sour Grapes
• I Don't Believe In Sluts
• Leaving "Slut" To The Happy Sluts
• The Slut Lie

Hating On Sluts And Whores: Sour Grapes

Y’all know I don’t believe in sluts. But even if I did, it’s always been a mystery to me why your average man might object to them.

Self-described fetish model and BDSM porn starlet Rain DeGrey says it’s a simple case of sour grapes (if you don’t remember your Aesop, click here):

When someone is hating on SLUTS & WHORES, what it really means is they are upset the sluts aren’t paying any attention to THEM.

Thanks to Bondage Blog for spotting this.

The Self-Deconstructing Slut

I still don’t believe in sluts. I’m gonna stay stubborn about that.

That said, Holly at The Pervocracy has some interesting things to say on the subject of sluts, such as “Most sluts are not as slutty as you think.” Which, given my skepticism on the subject, I’m predisposed to believe anyway.

Three Cheers For Bad, Dirty Sluts

Mistress Matisse has written an excellent short essay on why prostitution is not inherently wrong. It’s hard to argue with her points on women’s ownership of their own bodies, and it’s puzzling to me that self-described feminists, who are all about body self-ownership when it comes to the reproductive side of sex, can’t understand the same point when it’s applied to sex for money-and-pleasure.

My favorite paragraph:

That, to me, is the part of being a sex worker that’s most apt to be damaging: the pressure, the name-calling, the marginalization and isolation she may encounter. If she internalizes those beliefs – and for many women it’s hard not to – she will start to hate herself, and with self-hatred comes a host of other self-destructive behaviors. But I think it’s not the sex with men that’s damaging these women, it’s being told they’re bad, dirty sluts. And I think it’s unfortunate when the people calling them that think of themselves as feminists. That’s not any brand of feminism I want to be a part of.

And just for the record, I would pay good money to be there watching in person while someone tells Mistress Matisse to her face that she’s a bad, dirty slut.