Do you remember my post about The Ultimate Asslock, which is nothing more nor less than a legendary torture tool of the Spanish Inquisition that’s been updated and repurposed as 21st-century BDSM toy and anal chastity control device?

Well, a little bird told me that the Stockroom sales page for this terrifying and expensive assemblage of stainless steel had been updated to include the following mysterious-but-intriguing notation:

As seen in American Horror Story on the FX Network!

Oh really, now? I immediately determined that this was something I had to investigate further.

There followed a tedious (and yet somehow not) procedure involving repeated references to Google, my Direct TV channel guide, more Google, a torrent tracker website, and resort to some quality person-to-person file sharing software. Cursing (and secular prayer) were also indulged in. Still, eventually, I was able to track down the most relevant frame of video.

Sadly but not surprisingly, in its television debut the Ultimate Ass Lock was shown on display in a locked glass case in a sex toy store:

the ultimate asslock as seen on TV\'s American Horror Story

The voice-over of the salesman was entertaining, however. In an Australian or perhaps British accent:

Mike’s Spikes makes this stainless steel ball stretcher; the spikes are fully adjustable. Then there’s the Ultimate Ass Lock, also known as the apple of anguish. Is, ahh… any of this working for you?”

There follows a long and awkward scene in which Our Hero, a character named Chad, seems to stutter a lot.

It’s not a TV show I would normally watch — horror in general doesn’t work for me, and the deliberately cryptic narratives for which American Horror Story is infamous on the fan sites are not something I enjoy. But the acting seems strong, and I really enjoyed the stirring speech that got Chad into the sex shop in the first place. It turns out Chad had snooped on his boyfriend’s computer and discovered the guy was having an online BDSM relationship with “some online S&M freak who calls himself JungleJim4322”. So he’s complaining about this over lunch with a lady friend, and she says to him:

Look, Pat’s obviously got some interests that he doesn’t feel free sharing with you. Now, if you don’t wanna end up sharing him, then you need to make a preemptive strike! You have to fight! Pat’s a great guy, Chad, worth fighting for. And if that means you have to fight with a cat-o-nine-tails and some titty clamps, well then brother, you better fuckin’ gear up!

Truer words were never spoken…

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