Judging by the number of “how can I get my wife to…” emails I’ve gotten over the years (answer: “Der… ask her maybe? Beg?”), there are a lot of households out there where this scenario could easily play out, more or less as written:

Bend over and grab your ankles.

What in the fuck is that?

Don’t play dumb. I’ve seen the bookmarks on your computer; you know exactly what this is. Now bend over and grab your ankles.

Those bookmarks don’t mean anything. It’s just crazy guy stuff. Just fantasy stuff. Not real.

Is that why you’re forking out all those credit card payments for memberships? I’m not an idiot, so don’t screw with me. Do it!

I don’t want to. I don’t want to do it for real.

Well, I really don’t give a shit if you want to do it for real. Quit your lying, quit your whining and bend over and grab your goddamn, fucking ankles!

I’m getting dressed and leaving. This is crazy. You’re crazy.

Is that what you want? You really want to leave? You really are going to pass this up?

What are you doing? Stop it?

Why? What’s wrong with me rubbing my girl cock up against your boy cock? Doesn’t that feel nice? Think how good it would feel to take it up the ass.

Stop it.

You don’t want me to stop it. Look: your boy cock is trying to grow nice and big like my big black leather one. I think it likes it.

It’s because your rubbing it with that stupid … that stupid thing. It’s friction. Of course, it’s going to react. I am a guy, after all. What do you expect?

I expect you to bend over and grab your ankles. You know you want to, so just do it.

I, um, I ….

Come on, just do it. I’ll just rub it up the crack. Come on, bend over.

Okay, I’ll let you play this stupid game. But don’t you dare try to put it in.

That’s good. Now lean shoulders into the ottoman so you don’t lose your balance, and grab your ankles. That’s it, like that. Just like that.

Which reminds me — Mistress Matisse had some trenchant advice recently for a man who wishes he was the star of that scenario above:

If you’re putting as much effort into making this idea attractive to your wife as you did in writing this email, I can see why she’s not going for the idea. I suggest you spend some time considering what’s in it for her to fulfill your fantasy. Is she going to get lots of orgasms? Or a long foot massage and dinner cooked for her? Or a new pair of Salvatore Ferragamo shoes? I think she should get all three, but that’s just me. Figure out what she wants, and give it to her. Then see about getting what you want.

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