There’s a powerful article by Coleen Singer in Erotic Scribes (which is the house organ for SSSH.com, the erotica-for-women site in Colin Rowntree’s venerable Wasteland.com family of adult websites) that asks the question:

Where Did All The Sex Go On The Internet?

It’s a wide ranging and thoughtful piece about the Pornocalypse that’s well worth your time, but I liked it especially for the snarky analysis of just how destructive and useless Google has become as a search engine for finding porn. Coleen just wanted to find a blowjob movie, and she had to dig through endless major-media fluff and crap all the way to page six of the search results:

Anyone that has ever seen a porn movie knows that there is at least ONE blowjob in it. If the movie has six scenes, there are probably SIX blowjobs in it. So, let’s say I really want to find one of the skinamatic masterpieces just to maybe pick up some new tricks and techniques for my personal use at home.

Step 1: Go to Google.com

Step 2: Make sure any adult content filters are shut off to be able to see “the good stuff”.

Step 3: Type in the search term “Blow Job” and wait 150 milliseconds for all of the wonderful things to choose from.

Here is what comes back, in order of appearance on the front page of search results for “blow job”:

#1: Oral Sex Tips – How to Give a Great Blow Job – Redbook
Redbook? I want to see a blowjob, not how to make curtains or cupcakes!

#2: Fellatio – Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Oh great. A questionably accurate article about the history, socio-economic ramifications and etymology of the blow job. Not exactly toe curling blow job entertainment.

#3: Blow Job (film) – Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Hmmm….. this looks promising. Maybe it might have a link to it to a website with a blowjob movie. Oh wait, the wiki article tells me “Blow Job is a silent film, directed by Andy Warhol, that was filmed in January 1964. It depicts the face of an uncredited DeVeren Bookwalter as he apparently receives fellatio from an unseen partner. While shot at 24 frame/s, Warhol specified that it should be projected at 16 frame/s, slowing it down by a third.” Warhol HAD ME at saying 24 frames per second, but maybe I’ll come back to that one when I’m in a mood for modern film making techniques….

#4: Urban Dictionary: Steak and Blowjob Day
I didn’t even bother clicking on that one.

#5: Visa Blowjob – YouTube
About as sexy as a YouTube “Cute Kittens On A Piano” home video.

#6: Cosmo Master Class: How to Give a Blow Job – Cosmopolitan
Oh great. Is that before or after Cosmo makes me feel like my ass is too fat, or I read about Angelina’s latest adoption of a lucky kid?

#7: Blow Jobs Videos – Metacafe
Well, finally soomething that might have a blowjob movie in it! MetaCafe? Sounds kinda like a tube site or something so clicked on it. After patiently waiting a full 30 seconds to be force fed a Playstation advertisement, was rewarded with a iphone video of a couple of people under a blue plastic tarp doing something under there. Not sure what it was. Onward…..

#8: Her BJ Hang-Ups – AskMen
Oh great. A men’s magazine blaming all blow job problems with women’s attitudes. Is Pat Robertson on their editorial staff?

#9: 7 Killer Blow Job Techinques | Sean Jameson | YourTango
Mind you, I actually am a regular reader of YourTango and enjoy it, but I know for a FACT I am not going to actually SEE a blow job movie on their site.

END OF GOOGLE PAGE 1 RESULTS

Sigh… Thwarted at the Google Gate in finding a blow job movie. ”Maybe page two” I optimistically said to myself….

Page two DID offer a link to something called OV Guide that promised to at least have a set of reviews of blowjob movies, all on the tubes and probably pirated content, but hey, I was getting desperate so gave it a click. As soon as every possible anti-virus and security warning went off telling me this site was going to steal my identity and soul, I quickly returned to my Google page 2 results.

Page two consisted of a blog posting by some guy remembering that his first blowjob in high school was painful, several dictionary site definitions of the word, an Esquire article about “Eight of ten men surveyed preferred giving than receiving oral sex..” (yeah. right), and some posting on a site called “Family Sex” which sounded too creepy for me to even consider clicking on.

Page 3 of Google results for “Blow Job” offered Gwyneth Paltrow giving advice for women about blowjobs, some more dictionary definitions, a couple of cocktail recipes (I had no idea there was a cocktail called a “blow job” so bookmarked that for later mixology experiments) and FINALLY! ONE LINK to some blow job movies! Some site called xnxx.com that seemed to have LOTS of blow job movies.

Click with eager anticipation….

A Free Porn Tube. With horrible quality movie clips (many possibly pirated) as 3 live sex chat windows spawned in the background, all while a friendly woman in a little chat window offered to please me, and another message told me there were dozens of women in my hometown that want to fuck me (which seems odd, as I live in a rural town with only 1200 residents).

Pages 4 and 5 offered much of the same. Celebrity blow job opinions, drink recipes and a couple more cheesy and probably “illegal in some way” tube links.

It was not until PAGE 6 that I finally found exactly what I was looking for:

The Art of Blowjob: Redhead Camille Crimson’s Blowjobs and … www.theartofblowjob.com/ – Gorgeous redhead Camille Crimson’s passionate and sensual blowjob videos.

I clicked. It was good. Peace was restored to the realm.

As Coleen points out, this is a deliberate choice by Google:

Google knows darned well that a keyword search for “blow job” in NSFW mode is not from someone looking for a cocktail recipe or academic discourse on the matter.

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