Yup. I’m not kidding. Now you can buy a genuine anal pear device:

I didn’t think anybody had made one of these since they put down the Spanish Inquisition. But I suppose it was inevitable. Check out the flowery ad copy they are using to sell it with:

Sometimes, you want others to know that your ass is off-limits. One glance at the Ultimate Asslock in use will be enough to let others know move on – this ass is spoken for! Simply insert this steel piece of botany into your back door and widen its petals to blossom while inside you to achieve a truly unique feeling of fullness.

Truly unique, they say! Do you figure? Say, maybe that’s why they used to call the spiky priest-approved version of this thing “the pear of anguish.”

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Well, that’s not quite the right idiom, but “biting off more than she can chew” seems even more inapposite. Whatever, she seems to be having fun with this enormous black dildo:

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For some reason, the new “Ballz Gag” strikes me as one of those concepts that nobody thought all the way through:

The photograph of the product in use is quite funny; the look on the woman’s face could earn her a place on a “PWNED” pic. However, a moment’s reflection is enough to make a fellow wonder, just who is PWNED in this picture? As the sales copy says:

Don’t think that you are in complete control though! Your partner may be the one with a pair of balls strapped to their face but if they decide to move, you have no choice but to follow, lest you want to lose your jewels.

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Today when I wandered over to the Stockroom website I found a poetry contest with a prize worth more than professional poets tend to make upon publication these days. The booty is a special edition pink version of their Bolero Straightjacket:

Apparently if pink doesn’t work for you as a prize, they’ll substitute a black one, or even (you fussy winner, you!) their more standard-cut Premium Leather Straightjacket. (The black Bolero has been previously featured on ErosBlog; and now they have a red version as well.)

So fire up your poetical engines and start cranking out some (un)suitable verse! “There once was a man from Nantucket…”

Er, on second thought, I’m pretty sure a limerick is not going to win this one.

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I admit it, it’s a fool’s errand trying to understand fetishes not your own. Too often it’s a hard-wiring issue: a fetish is a fetish and that’s that, no explanation possible or required.

That said, some fetishes are more mysterious to me than others. Take, for instance, the humble straight jacket:

Outside the world inhabited by violent inmates, the point of this garment sort of eludes me. Sure, it’s a bondage thing, a helplessness and (unless you’re Harry Houdini) hard-to-escape kink. But, sexual-fetish-wise, what’s the point of getting somebody all tied up if, once you’ve done it, you can’t hardly get at them?

And that’s where the implacable march of technology comes in. The world’s more intrepid sexual adventurers have invented what they are calling The Bolero Straitjacket:

Sez the catalog copy:

Sexy. Sensuous. Functional. What more could you ask for in a straitjacket? How about stylish, innovative and chic?

The Bolero Straitjacket is all of these and more in a cropped strait jacket made of high quality, light and medium weight garment leather, latigo belting and nickel-plated hardware.

Like a traditional straitjacket, it has a buckling collar and back closures in addition to the extra long glove-like sleeves that extend beyond the fingertips. The sleeves end with a small rectangular ring on one and a strap on the other.

The features that make it unique are its cropped length and the vertically and horizontally adjustable chest strap which leave nearly the entire chest and back exposed. The proper positioning assured by the cropped feature and the adjustable chest strap makes the traditional crotch strap unnecessary without sacrificing functionality as a restraint.

And just like that, boom! Problem solved. Erotic bondage will never be the same. Available in no less than four sizes for your binding pleasure.

(Sultry brunette not included.)

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Um, is this a letter from Senator Stevens?

From The Stockroom’s actual customer letters.

For me, a Christmas stocking just isn’t a proper Christmas stocking if it doesn’t have some kind of sexy toy in it. Not even if it’s vinyl and has a heel:

So anyway, I had high hopes of doing a substantial and official ErosBlog sex toy Christmas Guide this year. But, sadly for my grand plan, I found myself responsible for some unanticipated family care-giving this December, and the big sex toy blogging plans have suffered. Suddenly I discover it’s December 19, I haven’t done any Christmas shopping at all, and the ship-in-time-for-Christmas dates have passed at almost all of my favorite online sex toy emporia. Drat!

However, all is not lost. My favorite online purveyor of sex toys ships so fast that there’s still plenty of time, if you don’t dawdle. Better yet, every year they have a “SeXmas” sale. It’s always got good discounts, too.

You can (of course) go kinky if you want to — how about a satin blindfold in Santa Claus Red?

But kinky is not required. They have every imaginable sex toy to tickle your fancy (or hers, or his).

Kinky not required, I said. But if it’s kinky you want, this place is the undisputed king of kinky. Forget crops and whips and leather cuffs. Did you ever imagine what you’d get if you took one of those paper Chinese finger trap toys and re-engineered it, using stainless steel wire, as a device for imprisoning penises?

Of course you did. Or maybe not. They think of these things so you won’t have to.

Anyway, behold! The Wire Cock Trap:

That’s not something everybody with a penis to play with is gonna want, no. But it would fit nicely in a stocking. And think of the the fun when he pulls it out and holds it up, all puzzled, and says “What’s this thing, and what’s it for?”

“Hold still, dear, and I’ll show you.”

Fair warning: you might wind up late for Christmas dinner at dear old Grandma’s house. And aren’t happy delays like that the best Christmas present of all?