Overheard: “She’s sitting on a treasure, and she knows it! Turns out, she’s also got a whole lot of gold, too…”

Fantasy pirates are always glamorous. You know why? Because some really bad things happen to pirates who fail. So a pirate, by definition, is pretty much always on the top of his/her game: a good ship, a taut crew, plenty of loot, pretty captives to torment or ransom, lots of time for drinking and screwing around.

The biggest problem of a really successful pirate is burying all your treasure without the crew knowing where you put it. This isn’t made a whole lot easier when you insist on bringing along an artist to make portraiture of your triumphant glamour poses, but what’s the use of wealth and beauty if history doesn’t remember any of it?

This kind of behavior created enduring legends about treasure maps and buried doubloons. The legends are so persistent, they’ve become cultural building blocks, available to be grabbed and used for all kinds of projects. Thus ThePornMap.com — a site that strives to find and link the best porn sites — uses a glamorous lady pirate with a spyglass in its logo. That’s universal shorthand in action: “Use our pirate map to find the porn treasure you are looking for.”

People need to understand, though, that being a successful lady pirate wasn’t an endless routine of standing around in dramatic poses, looking smug with no panties on:

On quiet nights in the captain’s cabin, there’s plenty of time to grab one of the nice young noblemen from the brig where the ransom clients are kept, and give him some “exercise”:

Then, too, even the most successful lady pirates can have a bad day. “Row me ashore on Kraken Island”, she demanded. “But what about the Kraken?” “He’s a myth, you timorous fool!” The bad news is, it turns out the Kraken’s a very horny myth, with a lot of inquisitive tentacles. Oopsie!

Image credits, top to bottom: Smug pirate showing off her treasure-pussy is by Personalami. The drunken femdom pirate orgy is by Iron-Dullahan. The plumed-hat treasure-burying topless pirate is by ZaftigBunny. The pirate woman who just had a happy wank in her own loaded treasure chest is by R Ex. The pirate dominatrix putting a tied captive through his sexual paces is by Felox08. And the intrepid but unfortunate pirate getting tentacle sexed by a Kraken after losing a longboat full of rowers is by an artist who is apparently not known to the internet.