Earlier today I was considering the use of the word “poontang” in a writing project, so I did some Googling to find out whether it has any racist connotations. (I didn’t find any strong indication that it does.) But as often happens in a deep search engine dive, I found a true gem of bawdy American folk music that I was not looking for. The Library Of Congress has a recording by African-American folk singer Jimmie Strothers, collected in 1936 while Strothers was incarcerated in the Virginia State Farm penitentiary. The song is Poontang Little, Poontang Small:

A lot of the lyrics in this recording are obscure, not only to my ear but apparently also to the ears of serious folk-music fans and collectors. The best accounting I could find of how they might go appears in this blog post:

1.Poontang little an’ poontang small,
Poontang stretches like a rubber ball

Chorus: Oh my babe, Oh my salty thing.

2. I’mma hung my poontang from the wire,
Rush come down to the hottest fire.

3.Gonna hang my poontang upon the fence,
Oh, the man come an’ git it ain’t got no sense,

4. ‘Til I’m gone, I’m gonna do my best
“I’m gon’ do a little something gonna bring me no rest”

5. Got a humpback a-little that couldn’t be beat
[He?] put a stack up on the streetcar seat

6. Oh, I b’lieve to my soul she had a lucky hand
‘Cause the lady gave her thing to the sweet-car man,

7. Poontang little and a-poontang small,
Poontang twisted like a rubber ball,

[Spoken]: …It’s all on fire.

8. Oh wire, brier, limber, lock
How many geese is in our flock

9. Oh, one flew east and a-one flew west,
One flew over the cuckoo’s nest,

10. Hung my poontang from the wire,
come down jes as hot as fire,

11. Put my dress above my knees,
I’m gonna give my poontang to who I please,

12. Oh poon I want, tang I crave,
Tang gonna carry to my lovin’ grave,

13. My man has go on to “tell-me-once
I’m gonna dup my husband till my man come,

Chorus: Oh my babe, Oh my salty thing.

One sometimes sees “The Dragon” on those dubiously-funny lists of even-more-dubious sex acts, but it isn’t really its own thing. Instead it refers to that moment when, intentionally or accidentally, an enthusiastic act of oral sex and/or an ill-considered act of respiration results in her spurting his jizz out her nostrils. In that moment, she is said to resemble a dragon. How common all this might be outside extreme porn and even-more-extreme sex comics, I’m not in a position to say:

I believe the artwork is by Zerns, whose stuff used to be published by Dofantasy.

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When you’re making whoopie on an air mattress in Antarctica, it pays to remember that you’re vulnerable to being joined in your chilly trysting by an over-friendly seal:

Artwork is an illustration by Charles Copeland from the July 1964 Stag magazine, illustrating an excerpt from the book Quick, Before It Melts. A movie was later based on the book.

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I was gonna blog something else this morning, but a bunch of nymphs are unwrapping presents under my tree and I think things are about to get real interesting. Merry Christmas!

The festive dildo nymphs are featured in Anal Girls Christmas Slumber Party from Everything Butt, a Kink Unlimited channel. It gets pretty crazy; I hope they have wipes.

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Next time somebody invites you skinny-dipping in the surf at midnight, go. But take a waterproof camera with a good flash. The world will thank you.

Provenance on this one is uncertain; it was all over porn-Tumblr back when that was a thing. Now it survives in random strange places like the user-uploaded “Pussy Pics Mix 77” at ImageFap.

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Many a man has enjoyed the fantasy of finding a sexy naked lady wrapped up in a present under his Christmas tree. I wonder, though, how lazy a man has to be for his mind to come up with “…and wouldn’t it be awesome if she unwrapped herself from inside the package? And if she was riding a sex machine at the time? So she had a long series of orgasms while I watched, but I didn’t have to lift a finger?”

Lazy or not, that precise fantasy was the holiday bonus update scenario offered by Fucking Machines a decade ago, back in 2009. The self-unwrapping, helplessly self-orgasming gift girl was Cherry Torn. Fucking Machines is these days a channel at Kink Unlimited.

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I gotta say right up front: I have not sampled the conversational wares at 1-800-phonesex.com. My Nymph takes a robust stance on monogamy, and in her view, sharing my sexual fantasies over the phone with a stranger would violate our mutual commitment to it. She is aware, I assume, that there’s zero risk to our relationship from a conversation of that sort with a paid professional conversationalist. But there are rules in life, and these are hers.

No matter. Phone sex is more fascinating to me anyway because of the durability of its business model. Commercial phone sex has been around since the 1970s; the porn magazine High Society is said to have set up the first phone sex line during the Carter administration. It survived, after a few high-flying years, a crackdown on adult content by the big phone companies who used to do the billing for those infamous 1-900 numbers. It survived the rise of the internet; and it even survived the complete elimination of 1-900 billing by the last phone company willing to do it, half a dozen years ago. People like phone sex and they don’t mind paying for it, even in 2019.

This shouldn’t be a surprise. There’s a lot of loneliness in the world. What could be nicer than calling a number and having a sexy voice on the other end who is ready to play along with whatever raunchy sexual scenario you feel like sharing? And who is, in all likelihood, a practiced and professional roleplayer, somebody more skilled than you can believe at painting startling and delightful details onto your rough erotic sketches?

Hell yah that business model survives:

But it is 2019, and without going all “kids these days” on you, there’s a bit of evidence that younger demographics may benefit from pointers about how to make the most of a paid-by-the-minute erotic phone call. Smart operators have some surprisingly good “before you call” information on their websites these days, which is not a thing one ever saw in “back in the day” print advertising or its early web equivalent. The 1-800-phonesex people offer not only a pretty good “Phone Sex Guide” linked from the bottom of their front page, but also a set of “Phone Sex Tips” that read remarkably like something you might once have found in a better men’s magazine. There are even some transcripts billed as being records of real phone sex calls, which make interesting reading if you’re unsure how this kind of call might go.

This drollery from the intro to the phone sex guide made me laugh:

Exploring your deepest fantasies with someone who has made a career of accepting those fantasies should be something that you allow of yourself. If you’re still hesitant, don’t worry. We can hold your hand through this! Metaphorically, of course. You’re going to need your hands.

Yes, indeed! If you don’t need at least one of your hands, you’re probably not doing it right…

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