This has got to qualify as my wacky email of the week. Reproduced in its entirety, exactly as received:

hay i got an e-mail of garden gnome sex from what I can tell thier some thing going on with with ower frendly garden gnome’s and naked girls that have to much time

Er, thanks for the tip.

Sorry, folks. I know that enemas are not universally considered sexy. But they are a commonly fetishized activity. And if you don’t like the enema portion of these transcripts of Marilyn Monroe’s conversations with her therapist, there’s always her comments on orgasms or spanking to enjoy.

Marilyn on enemas:

“I don’t understand this big taboo about enemas. Most of the actresses I know use them, even some who won’t admit it. Mae West told me she is given an enema every day and she has at least one orgasm a day. Mae says her enemas and orgasms will keep her young until she is 100.

Peter Crawford says the Queen and noblemen of the court of Louis XIV were give frequent enemas by special servants called apothecaries. The purpose was to give them peaches and cream complexions. Something about intestinal toxins getting into your blood. So there you are. Those ladies were doing the intelligent thing.

Yes. I enjoy enemas, so what!”

Fellows, can you belive it? There was once a time so backwards, so primitive, that not only did they have to shoot pinup models with black-and-white film, but a pretty girl like this couldn’t find a gentleman to scratch her back, and so she had to make use of primitive wooden tools to get the job done. Shocking!

Yet another gem from alt. binaries. pictures. erotica. vintage.

From Rollertrain comes a set of hilarious stories documenting certain calls placed to the customer service department at a sex toy mail order emporium. My favorite is The Man Who Drank Lube:

Customer: I took this an hour ago and nothing is happening.

Hez: What was it that you took, sir?

Customer: It said two pumps. I bought the 32 ounce bottle Thin Lube, and I took two pumps of it, but nothing is happening.

Hez: You drank lube?

Customer: I drank it an hour ago and nothing is happening.

Hez: Sir, you actually drank the lube?

Customer: Yes, and I’m not lubricated yet.

Hez: Sir, do you understand that you’re supposed to apply lubricant topically?

Customer: It says to take two pumps.

Hez: Sir, does the bottle say that it’s a water-based lube, or a silicon-based lube?

Customer: [Fumbling for minutes] Water soluble. But I am not lubricated.

Hez: Sir, you’ll be lubricated in about four hours.

I’ve seen little puppies crowd around a feeding bowl like this, but I’m having a hard time imagining what could be so tasty as to entice six young ladies in their undies to gather ’round in this eager fashion. Perhaps a plateful of cocaine?

One would think that any feller who can keep up with Violet Blue would be hard to fluster. One would. But if one did, one would be underestimating The Violet:

There, I said it. Hornboy asked what I wanted for my birthday next month and I told him flat out, “A threesome.” He stammered and grinned, “Okay.” I pinned him with my gaze and said, “With you and another guy.” Alpine skiing, I thought. The look on his face literally made me spit the sip of wine I mistakenly took for dramatic effect right back into my glass (a first). Hornboy turned red, well, kinda purple really, and said, “Well, it’s your birthday.”

A passing one-liner from a post on Tell Your Sex Story:

I have this weird bug that drives me to have sex in every room of a place I live in on every surface.

When I saw that line, I was totally derailed from the story, thinking “Is that weird bug contagious? If so, I think we could make great money selling little cotten swabs soaked in your infectious agents….”