OK, you knew the sex life of the Moonies had to be a bit eccentric, what with the mass arranged marriages in the stadiums and all. But I had no idea just how eccentric until I read this article from Nerve (link via Spanking Blog, because — I am not making this up — there’s a wedding spanking ritual). There’s an actual handbook for consummating the marriage (years after the wedding) and it’s got some very odd elements:

Two years after our wedding, I gathered our checklist of items for the Three Day Ceremony, the consummation of our marriage:

1) Two Holy Handkerchiefs. These were to wash our bodies prior to intimacy, then to collect the fluids produced by our final union in the ceremony; they were to be kept “eternally.” [Ewww! -ed.]

…

I pulled the pamphlet of instructions out of my bag. We showered separately, never having seen each other naked. After he emerged, I took my turn in the steamy bathroom, then put on my new underwear. Our undergarments had to be new for each day of the ceremony; black satin felt luxurious after the baggy cotton underpants I’d been slouching around in for years. I dressed in my ivory wedding gown, and over that my white holy robe. The sash of my robe was decorated with pink beads, Gabriel’s trim was green.

…

In the first part of the ceremony, the woman had to be on top, symbolizing the restoration of Eve’s act of love with Lucifer. After two minutes of foreplay, I guided him inside me. Instantly, I felt the emotional disconnect. It was the first time I had felt a man inside me for four years, and it felt good, but there was no holy passion, no divine ecstasy. I moved on top of him, concentrated on bringing him to an orgasm, then removed myself and lay next to him. Our ritualistic act of love was over in ten minutes. We wiped the fluids onto our Holy Handkerchiefs.

The official handbook said, “Go to sleep in peace. Sleep in pajamas and nightgown. Do not have a physical relationship outside of the content of the ceremony.” We lay on our backs next to each other, not touching, nor speaking.

Of course when reading accounts like this, it’s good to remember that there’s a long journalistic tradition of writing very loosely about the sexual practices of unpopular or unusual religions. (The technical term for this style of journalism is “making shit up”.) I’m not saying this account isn’t 100% accurate; I’m just saying that, like anything else you read on the internet, some healthy skepticism couldn’t hurt.

Similar Sex Blogging:

• "...and I will make you fishers of men."
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• A Mormon Denies Candle Salad
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Yes, it’s Man in a Bottle–not just a knee-weakening scent of musk, but a real man, in a bottle. Here, look:

Photo by Daniel Nassoy.

Guys, a word to the wise: if your lady cajoles you into reading her blog, she’s going to want some nice juicy proof- you- were- paying- attention feedback. You’d do well to say something responsive like “My love, I never knew you felt so strongly about the erotic power of warm pasta. Would you like another serving of lasagna?”

If you can do better, do better.

But if you can’t, avoid the pitfall that has devoured Freya’s feller over at Freya’s House Of Dreams. She writes that he

…spent a few hours reading this blog from December to now, interesting discussion ensued, LOL. I asked him if he liked it and he said he did except for the parts about my thoughts and stuff.

She’s laughing now, but you know he’s still gonna pay.

Well. Where do I start? Apparently not with details on why I’ve been dying a slow death from internet withdrawal, since Aunty Violet says that’s a no-no (but it was SO like the end of a dysfunctional sex fling!). It’ll be a few days before I’m back up to full speed on this lovely big machine, so you can stop giving me looks like this:

It’s like he’s saying, “Where the hell you been, girl? I almost gave up on keeping my cock ready for you!” Definitely better than finding the lights on when you get back … :laugh:

Jon says Guys Are Not Crafty. Perhaps some of my female readers would argue, but this summary matches my own experience pretty closely:

The things we say don’t have secret meanings. Guys do one of three things. We either say what we mean, flat out lie or say nothing at all. There is no hidden meaning. We really are not that deep.

Here is an example. If a guy says “I am not horny tonight” it means one of two things:

1) “I am not horny tonight.”

2) “I am horny but I am lying just because sometimes guys are stupid and lie for no reason.”

Now to make sense of the difference, lets look at what a woman might mean:

1) “I am not horny tonight.”

2) “We are in a fight so I am cutting you off.”

3) “I know you will still try something and I want you to do all the work tonight.”

4) “I will tease you with sex until you promise to buy that necklace we saw today.”

5) “I am going to call my ex, I just went out with you for the free dinner.”

6) “I was horny until you kissed me with the same mouth that ate the peanut butter and mustard sandwich that disgusts me so much.”

Here’s fodder for the “penises are just a tool of oppression” crowd:

From Unintentionally Sexual Comic Book Covers. Also included: Spanking Superboy!

If you like playing “In The Dungeons Of The Inquisition” with your partner of choice, you’ll be impressed by this photograph from Water Bondage:

What caught my attention, after a moment’s thought, was the real-world dynamic of arranging to take this picture. Just exactly how trusted does a fetish photographer have to be, before his models will agree to an underwater bondage photo shoot? I don’t care how kinky you are or what the photo shoot pays: when the water closes over your head you’re going to want to have a lot of faith that the boys wearing the torturer’s cowls are paying close attention to your well-being.

Proof, if you need it, that there are still professions in the world where character and reputation matter.

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