Ellen Fapper’s Pedigree

So this delicious and hilarious screen capture appeared in my Twitter feed the other day. It was early, I was groggy, and for just a tiny but perfect moment I actually believed that there really could be a group called “Christians Against Masturbation” in this our beloved America, and that they might possibly be so deeply encased in their righteous and godly bubble that they could employ (in all innocence) a sweet-faced woman named “Ellen Fapper” as their spokeswoman:

(The comedy depends on knowing that “fap” is an onomatopoeic internet verb meaning “to masturbate” while apprehending that people may exist who do not know this. Thus I have mentioned it at this time just in case you, gentle reader, were one of those people ere now.)

Alas, on the internet these perfect funny things are almost always hoaxes. Typically they are born as jokes, not intended — by their original creators — to deceive. What happens next is that somebody else will file off the serial numbers, grind away some of the obvious comedy signals, and release them into the wild with deceptive intent. Sometimes, there, they go feral.

Anyway, I can’t blog it until I check it. And my weary certainty was that checking it would be a letdown. But was it, this time? Maybe not so much. It’s not real, but it’s still funny.

First, I’ll tell ya right up front, “Fapper” is a photoshop. The screen cap is real for certain values of real, but it originally said “Farber”. I don’t know who did the ‘shop.

The screen capture itself? That comes from a video you can see at Funny Or Die. It takes the form of a lengthy point-counterpoint between Ms. Farber and the comedian Louis CK, supposedly the only person they could find willing to come on the show to defend masturbation. This he does with passion:

“Masturbating keeps me sane! I’m a good citizen, I’m a good father, I recycle, and I masturbate. And I’m proud of it! And…and God’s happy! And later I’m gonna masturbate and I’m gonna think about you. And there’s nothing you can do about it.

And what is this video, actually? It takes place in front of the Fox News logos, but the production values are nothing like a typical Fox News show. Near the end, there’s a spot where you can see the following words in a sort of show logo: Red Eye with Greg Gutfield. There really is a Fox News Show by that name, according to Wikipedia. Could it be this was a real interview? Wikipedia calls Red Eye a “late-night/early-morning satirical talk show” so, maybe?

No, nope, nopers, nyet. According to the Wikipedia, the Red Eye show was being spoofed on an episode of Louie (Louis CK’s eponymous comedy drama). That episode, titled Come On, God, aired on August 11, 2011. The Ellen Farber character is being played by actress Liz Holtan.

So, it’s just a funny sight gag photoshopped by some unknown party from a screen capture of a segment on a comedy show that was in turn parodying a Fox News show that is itself supposedly satirical. Perhaps I’m the only person in the world who is interested in reconstructing these growth rings of accreted metadata so that I can look at them closely. But everybody needs a hobby, right?

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• Penis Plugs: Now With Set Screws!
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• Beat It, Mightily
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• Masturbation Quote Of The Day

You Can Tell Them By Their Shoes

This is the single best sentence of writing I’ve seen so far in 2012, in any genre. And heck, it’s not even the whole sentence!

“…these men had the shoes of pamphleteers.”

You’re gonna need some context. It’s from a blog post about Christian landlords getting skeevy about a double bed:

The first flat we viewed was a cheap studio. It was on a private road, in a grand building with stained glass windows. A stained glass face looked back at me in the bathroom, next to the toilet tank, which was over the bath. In the bedroom, there was a single bed.

“Is it possible,” I asked, “to bring my double bed?”

“Where would we put this one?” The landlord spread his hands in helplessness. The tip, I was tempted to suggest.

“I’m afraid it’s a dealbreaker.” I told him.

“You’re not allowed a double bed in a studio,” he said , “it’s illegal. If the environmental health inspector came round…” I managed to get control of my eyebrows before they rose too far, and I nodded, as if to an excited lunatic or toddler. I edged towards the door.

I knew they were Christians, someone had placed Church pamphlets in the hallway, and these men had the shoes of pamphleteers. Single people, I surmised, must be prevented from fornication by any means possible, including the restriction of space. I didn’t bring up the oodles of hot, sweaty, lesbian sex I’ve had in single beds. The conversation got around to my current landlord, and my flat above a church. “Oh! You know Rev. Awfully-Important!” was quickly followed by, “about the bed, I’m sure we can work something out.” Do Christian contacts legitimate sprawling sex, or do they just provide a guarantee that you’re not going to get up to anything naughty?

Thanks, Not An Odalisque!

The Vigin Mary, Nude In (Mexican) Playboy

I am not making this up. Mexican Playboy did a photo shoot of Maria Florencia Onori as the Virgin Mary, and the result was a bunch of pissed-off Mexican Catholics.

I myself think Maria is beautiful, and don’t have a lot of time for Christians who despise female beauty to the point where they freak out when it’s associated, however indirectly, with their holy figures:

I got this from Violet Blue, who has many more details.