Did you ever hear the phrase “It’s a dog-eat-dog world, and I’m wearing Milk-Bone underwear?” Well, I would call this “chased by monkeys while wearing a banana bra” scenario an analogous situation:

She’s never gonna outrun those monkeys!

ErosBlog readers of good memory will remember that back in 2008 we had a hapless heroine named Susie in a similar but even more dangerous situation.

So these perfectly nice Canadians were having a no-shit lemon party — with actual lemons, natch! — and posting pictures of it on Twitter.

And even though they never did anything to me, I turned it into a small social media nostalgia art piece / rant in the medium of Twitter and lemon party memes.

It’s been what, 16? 17? years and I’m still fucking pissed off that the whole internet treated those three fat old gay men having a friendly fuck as if they were a cupful of battery acid dashed straight to the eyes. I’ve seen worse, children. Far, far, worse. Google “shitting dick-nipple” sometime if you doubt me. Better? Don’t. (You would need to Bing it anyway, actually; “Google it” doesn’t work any more very well for seamy-underbelly web searches. I guess that’s just another old person’s linguistic habit I’m going to have to try to unlearn. If you want to complain, you could send me a fax; the number for my fax machine is in the yellow pages.)

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We might wish for better clarity and color fidelity in this 1960s photo of two young women using the girls’ shower in an athletic facility, but how many such photos from that era do we have to be fussy about? Not so many, really:

In truth, despite a page of nonsense and blather from the house magazine writer about the photographer getting “a sneak peek” into “a coed locker room”, it looks to me like Daring magazine simply bought a small photo set from some photographer, probably a student, who took his own two models into a campus athletic space that was otherwise not in use. The pictures appeared in the October 1969 issue.

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This vintage cartoon goes out to all the sex workers on my Twitter feed who are tired of being barraged with anti-sex-work propaganda, especially by that vicious slogan that goes “No little girl grows up wanting to be a [whorephobic word or phrase — anything but “sex worker”]. I can’t count how many of them have testified that it’s simply not true, and that they were excited about the prospect of having sex for money as soon as they became aware that it was a possible option.

People, this cartoon is for you:

Caption: “I don’t care if you are going to be president when you grow up… I’m going to be a call girl!”

From Spree magazine (Vol. 1, No. 8, 1959).

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It’s been, I suppose, at least twenty years since the last time I heard someone say “and then you’re in like Flynn!” It’s positive enthusiastic triumphant slang, or used to be; somewhat akin to the British/Cockney “…and Bob’s your uncle!” It means, or it used to mean, that you were successful, you were across the finish line, that you had got it made. By the time I first heard it as a teenage boy, it had lost much of its sexual connotations, and you could say it in front of church ladies or your mother. But in its origins, it was explicitly sexual, referencing legendary film actor Errol Flynn’s reputation as a seducer, cocksman, and accused rapist. (Various learned linguists cited by the notorious killjoys of Wikipedia are said to consider this a folk etymology, but I put a bit more faith in The Straight Dope, which seems to support it.)

That’s only one of the things that makes this bawdy limerick from the December 1967 Rogue magazine a bit obscure:

In the interest of furthering sin
One squiffles a dolly with gin.
When squiffled, all vice
Looks alluring and nice
And the next thing, you’re in like E. Flynn!

Well, now, where’s my 20th-Century Dictionary Of American Vice?

I have never heard the word “squiffled” but it seems clear enough in context: pleasantly drunk, tiddly, amenable to suggestion, incapable of meaningful consent. Sadly I don’t actually possess any comprehensive dictionary of vice, and no online dictionary whatsoever that I can find will admit to having heard of the word “squiffled” either. But the context is clear, as is this uncharitable review of Hunter S. Thompson that describes him as “illegally squiffled at every inconvenient moment.” That’s a good enough citation for me!

Squiffles, then, would be the parallel verb form, although its appearances in the search engines are fewer-to-none in comparison to the half-dozen instances of “squiffled” (as drunk) that I could find.

The chair will now entertain motions to the effect that this has been more textual analysis than can be justified by the merit of the material…

Update: Although neither “to squiffle” (verb) or “squiffled” (adjective) is listed, the rather marvelous Dictionary of contemporary slang: with more than 5,000 racy and raffish colloquial expressions–from America, Great Britain, Australia, the Caribbean, and other English-speaking places lists the clearly-related words “squiffy” (lighthearted adjective meaning drunk or inebriated) and “squiff” (noun, meaning a drunkard). The noun form is listed as Australian in origin, and see one comment below, similar.

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The last time I briefly looked into the Japanese phenomenon of onnazumo (female sumo fighters), I was able to determine that they have what I summarized as “a sort of underground and somewhat scandalous tradition, sometimes even performing as brothel spectacle.” What I did not learn from researching that post was that these topless sumo wrestling ladies apparently used to fight dirty, particularly in the matter of tit grabbing and breast squeezing:

From the September 1971 issue of Kitan Club.

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They say it’s not so easy, even with the internet on your side, to find a dominatrix when you need one. Oh, sure, there are sites for dominatrix dating, and that definitely helps. My first answer to any “How do I find…” question of romance or lust in 2019 is always “turn to the internet!” and the more specialized the question, the more emphatic I am about giving that same answer.

Internet dating and female dominance, though, are a pair of concepts that are fraught with potential pitfalls and confusion. There are no facile solutions, no silver bullets, no easy answers. The seeker must merely educate himself and forge onward in optimism, with honesty and empathy and realism.

A truth: “Dominatrix” is a word most often used by dominant women who are dominant as a paid professional service. But it’s by no means a 100% thing. People seeking non-commercial romantic relationships, or quick kinky sex hookups, can and do use the word too.

A truth: No online dating site in the USA can legally hook you up with a commercial dominatrix. But by the same token, no dating site can 100% screen them out, because how would they? So you may not know at first, when you make an online contact, if it’s social or commercial. Be clear about what you’re looking for. But don’t be rude about what you don’t want!

When it comes to finding dominant women online, I’ve heard rumors — and seen some unpleasant evidence — of a phenomenon that seems to occupy the space halfway between a scam and a highly-specialized fetish. I’m referring to the so-called “findom” or “financial domination” hustle. Now, I’ll never say a word against honest hardworking fee-for-service in-person dominatrixes. But the online-only findom types don’t seem entirely like upright citizens to me. From what I can tell, sometimes the extraction of money from their “clients” is the only domination service they provide. I’d say at least: be sure of your fetish before you get mixed up with them. Be sure that giving away scads of money (for, basically, nothing) is going to make you feel happy. Then, sure, you do you!

The cartoon above applies to any new kinky dating situation, really. Don’t let yourself get pressured into fulfilling somebody else’s complicated fantasy before you’re sure that you’re also into it. There’s plenty of time to go slow. Try jumping through the hoop a few times before you agree to let her set it on fire. There’s no need to wear the tiger suit on the first date. You get the idea.

And this cartoon? It flips the lesson back onto you. If you find somebody willing to play out your wild fantasies with you, maybe don’t push her too far or too fast. She might lose interest before she’s even done unpacking your toybox!

Now, get out there and have fun…