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January 28th, 2017 -- by Bacchus

What’s The Deal With Bushy Hatred?

Kate Lister at Whores Of Yore describes the furor every time she posts a vintage photograph of furry bush:

It is inevitable: whenever I post an image of a woman with a full bush an argument ensues. Interestingly, no one has ever commented on the state of a gentleman’s manscape as long as I have been tweeting them; but, a woman’s knicker whiskers will upset someone every time.

[W]hen did we get to the point when our own body hair is alien to us? When did we get to the point when pubic hair is called ‘disgusting’ or ‘gross’? Because this is always the cause of the arguments; someone recoils in horror at the sight of a woman with pubic hair you could wipe your feet on, and voices this online. Having a ‘type’ is one thing, but this voicing usually goes well beyond expressing a personal preference, and marches straight into outright revulsion at the prospect of a lady garden gone to seed.

When did this happen? When did our body hair, hair we have all got, hair that is supposed to be there, elicit the same levels of disgust as a matted hairball bunging up the plughole?

It gets even stranger when you consider that a mere two-foot north of the offending silent beard is another crop of hair that we collectively devote billions of pounds every year to styling. A cursory glance at any hair style magazine reveals adjectives such as ‘glamorous’, ‘sultry’, ‘flowing’ and ‘luxurious’ being used to describe a mop that top and tails another barnet capable of making adults wince. Again, I am not trying to convince you to allow your squirrel to go feral, but I do want to pause on this issue and ask why have we become so anti-fuzz? To the point its regarded as un natural or ‘gross’? Because, that’s where we currently are; our own bodies revolt us, and we shame people for having hair that we have too! So where did all this start?

Fortunately, Kate’s article offers even more answers than questions.

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January 27th, 2017 -- by Bacchus

Pee-Watching And Hats

This is one of those sex-etiquette questions that you wouldn’t ever have thought would ever come up. But now that watching people pee is said to have gone mainstream among the billionaires in charge, it seems important to nail down the proper manners. My concern here is, shouldn’t a gentleman at least remove his damned hat while watching a mostly-naked woman pee?

watching a pretty girl pee

The art is a detail from this pulp cover.

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January 26th, 2017 -- by Bacchus

Candy Heart Buttplugs

three candy heart buttplugs

I hardly think I’m the only one whose first experience of serious flirtation involved the exchange of those ubiquitous Valentine’s Day candy hearts with the messages printed on them. Ah, elementary school memories!

Well, we’re all adults now. We have private bedrooms, we have credit cards, and we buy sex toys. Which means that we’re free to take candy heart flirtation to a whole new level: naughty candy-heart butt plugs.

be mine butt plug

Here’s a bit more about the candy heart buttplugs:

Naughty Candy Heart plugs let you get the perfect message across during anal play: Be Mine! Or for that matter: Spank Me or Do Me Now!

With a soft satin finish and a perfectly-angled tip, these butt plugs slide in easily with water-based lube. Washable, flexible, and playful, the Naughty Candy Heart butt plugs aren’t just for Valentine’s Day; they’re for every opportunity that arises.

The plugs are made of the highest quality silicone and are hypoallergenic, nonporous, and boilable. The end of one of these plugs tapers off into a cute, heart-shaped base which allows for easy and comfortable removal and play. The smooth satin finish has a buttery soft touch that becomes slick with lube.

The words are molded into the plugs, so they won’t wear off with time. Super durable hygienic silicone plugs insert up to 3″ and are 1.5″ at the widest, for just the right amount of stimulation.

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January 25th, 2017 -- by Bacchus

Shall We Dine, Lady?

I’m still having fun mining The Merry Muses Of Caledonia for short bawdy poems by Robert Burns. There are long ones in there too, but I find them more, ah, impenetrable due to Scots dialect issues. This one offers no such difficulties:

Supper isna Ready

Roseberry to his lady says,
“My hinnie an my succour,
“O shall we dae the thing you ken,
“Or shall we tak oor supper?”

Wi modest face, sae fou o grace,
Replied the bonny lady;
“My noble lord dae as you please,
“But supper is na ready.”

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January 24th, 2017 -- by Bacchus

“Call Every Lesbian You Know!”

In this story from Tumblr, “Dale” clearly needs a remedial refresher course about the rule of crazy, and where a wise man does not put his dick in respect to it. But nonetheless, I’d say his problem-solving skills are up to scratch even if his negotiating techniques could use some work:

Things just transpired in my house hold that are equal parts offensive and hilarious. Here goes.

So my roommate, Dale, has a gf who does not live with us, but she’s here all the time. So Sunday when my gf was her we were on the couch and we kissed (scandalous, I know) and she saw it, and I’m pretty sure that’s the first time she’s seen us be affectionate, that’s neither here nor there.

So today she tells Dale she’s “uncomfortable” here and wants him to move out because she thinks me and my lady are going to hit on her or something, she doesn’t like living with lesbians, cause it’s not “normal”, so now I’m pissed. Then, Dale goes, “well you don’t live here, so it shouldn’t be a problem, just stop coming over.” Things escalated and Dale is trying to break up with her, but she won’t leave our house. She locked herself in Dales room.

So, Dale barges in my room wearing a bathrobe and goes, “call every lesbian you know, we’re smoking this bitch out!” Then turns around and whips his robe like a cape.

And that’s the story of how there are 8 lesbians climbing through the window of Dales room…

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January 23rd, 2017 -- by Bacchus

Don’t Forget To Peecycle

When I woke up this morning, my subconscious mind was already wrangling with the poetical details of a series of limericks. It seems grandiose to call this short sequence of lowbrow verses a cycle, but that’s truly what it is: three of the limericks (so far) focus on the comic tale of a certain prominent man in a fancy hotel room in Moscow, alone but for Putin’s cameras and some well-hydrated women “of a low level of social responsibility.”

woman pissing into a chamberpot

For a variety of reasons, I’m uncertain whether I should actually post the resulting pee-cycle. I am therefore imposing upon myself (and upon my own questionable judgment) a very low challenge barrier. Here it is: if I get three more pledges (at any level) in support of the ErosBlog Patreon campaign before Tuesday, January 31, 2017, I’ll post the limericks on that day. If I don’t? Then I won’t.

Are there least three people, each having a dollar or more to spare, who would like to see a few verses of lowbrow liquid lampoonery?

If not, that’s a good reason to keep this pissy doggerel to myself.

Meanwhile, here is a tangentially related limerick that spun out of my fingertips while I was writing down the pee ones (which are much funnier, I promise.) This one got rejected from the cycle due to humorlessness and a technical lack of subject-matter relevance:

An old billionaire dickhead named Don
Likes to grab women’s cunts — and hang on.
“They don’t stop me, the bitches!
Because I have riches…”
Says the rapist who thinks he’s Don Juan.

If you want more and better, you know what to do

February 1 update: The people have (not) spoken. The Pee Cycle will not be published. However, I can refuse my existing patrons nothing. If you are a Patreon supporter of ErosBlog who wants to see these limericks, please email me (bacchus@erosblog.com) and ask. I’ll fix you right up!

February 2018 update: Still not a peep from the people. Wow, I seriously misunderestimated the revulsion of the populace at the mere prospect of this fine literachure. I may go to my grave with this little .txt file still on my hard drives. Let it be a problem for my literary executor. Um… On second thought, maybe I will publish it in celebration if the Russkis ever release the video. We’ll see.

2021 update: Since the old mope can’t stop denial-confessing to this kink, I should remind everybody that it’s never too late to support me on Patreon and then email me for your copy of the Pee Cycle.

 
January 22nd, 2017 -- by Bacchus

Prison Lesbians

Women-in-prison movie scenes cross multiple genres of what we oldsters still sometimes call “film”. From PG-13 thrillers to grindhouse sexploitation to straight-up porn, such scenes always find an audience. This screenshot is from the porny end of the spectrum, being from 2014’s Prison Lesbians by director Dana Vespoli and Sweetheart Video:

prison-lesbians

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cupid