I’ve seen a lot of stuff on the internet. But now I’ve seen … everything?

Probably not. No. There’s probably no end to the creative genius of crowdsourced perversion. But if there were, this might be it. Behold:

A woman. Dismounted from her bicycle. Squatting. Panties around her ankles. Peeing, with an expression of great joy, on a turtle.

I dunno. I may have finally reached the end of the internets.

Via It’s Good If You Like it, a tumblr suggested in my What Should ErosBlog Be Linking To? comment thread.

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In which Harmony has a stern word for Bella Rossi:

But don’t worry. Bella does what she’s told — and does it thoroughly and well — so they are best friends by the end of the movie shoot.

From Everything Butt.

The Nymph and I went to see Whip It (starring Ellen Page) the day before yesterday, and we pronounced it good.

If there’s anybody out there wondering what her bottom looks like, I must report that it does not appear (unclad) in this movie. However, without giving too much away, I can report that viewers are treated to an extended scene in which her bottom is on athletic display in soaking wet underwear.

Why, yes, yes I do feel like a dirty old man for noticing, thank you for asking!

A few months back, some folks decided to invoke The Guiding Spirits of Our Founding Fathers by holding political protests in symbolic invocation of the Boston Tea Party. They showed up carrying signs, had noisy speakers make noisy speeches, waved some tea bags around, and in some cases, threw said tea bags into nearby bodies of water.

So far, so normal. Public life in America. Could have happened in any decade of the last couple of hundred years.

But… it turned out there was a small cultural misunderstanding. There are some divergent strands in U.S. culture these days, and as the culture fragments, communication “cross-strand” becomes difficult due to linguistic drift.

Thus, some of the people with the tea bags began to call themselves “tea baggers”; and they started calling their protest efforts “tea bagging”.

Hilarity ensued, because of the the fact that “tea bag” (as a verb) already had a well-established sexual connotation in popular slang. A fact of which the “new” tea baggers appeared to be blissfully ignorant.

I was reminded of all of this when I saw a certain t-shirt. Wouldn’t this shirt have been the very perfect thing to wear to one of those protests?

This is a detail from an engraving by John Buckland Wright:

Despite the tiredness of the titular pun, a literal exemplar has turned up in a comic called “The Black Czarina” by one Salomon Grundig. The other title I considered for this post was “The World’s Fanciest Cock Ring”, but when the talk balloon reads “My shaft is girded in armor that will prove very effective in producing pain when it enters your little ass” I figured I should go with the destruction headline:

I’m sparing you all, gentle readers, from the next panel with the splashing red ink.

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I’ve been interested in computer erotica since nineteen eighty-something when I first saw a Mac “game” that featured a black-and-white line drawing of a naked woman, and some on-screen dildos that could be manipulated with a mouse to make her demonstrate an orgasm. (Some happy screaming audio and some screen-shaking in the best traditions of the early Star Trek, if I recall rightly.)

For almost as long, people have been using 3D drawing software titles like Poser to draw dirty pictures. Some of that artwork is incredibly good, although as with any other genre, there’s a crap-ton of crap also.

Since my EverQuest days (many of which were spent as a Cleric on autofollow behind an insufficiently-dressed wood-elf Ranger as she bounced up and down over the hilly plains of East Karana) I’ve figured that the killer app for massively multiplayer online gaming would be an adult/erotic application that allowed you dispense with clothes and take cybering into the visual realm. So far, nobody’s put together a good engine for doing that; but I remain as confident as ever that this, too, will come.

Although it’s apparently not social or multiplayer, I’ve recently become aware of a game engine marketed by Hustler that seems to be working on a lot of the sort of tools such a sex MMORPG would require. Hustler 3D has graphics that remind me a lot of EverQuest (late 1990s tech) in quality, but I suspect it’s the interactivity that will make it sell. Letting the customers control the action and the poses, and giving them a range of sex toys and bondage gear to play with, is going to appeal to a lot of people:

The marketing copy describes Hustler 3d as:

a stunning interactive world where consumers can play out their wildest hardcore fantasies. HUSTLER3D.COM is a stunning interactive world where users can enjoy incredibly realistic erotic experiences. Members can construct their perfect sexual partner by selecting a model or their favorite pornstar and modifying over 100 physical features. They can then explore unlimited sexual fantasies incorporating a wide selection of environments, novelties and sexual positions. HUSTLER3D.COM also gives users the ability to create their own HD picture galleries of their sexual adventures!

Although I suspect this project falls far short of the interactivity and (especially) sociability I’ve been imagining since my EverQuest days, it’s clear that there are an enormous array of tools provided. Among the advertised features are:

• Very specific accessories (“New Ball Free Gag Ring: Tired of that gag ball blocking a perfectly good hole to drop a load into? Well now you can have the perfect setup for target practice and endlessly squirt cum to your little heart’s desire! Can you say ahhh, and excuse me if I’m not mistaken isn’t that cum all over your tonsils?”)
• Support for furries (“Furverted furdom fans can now play with anthropomorphic furry personas to create erotic fandom art”)
• Elf and Vulcan ears (“Dial in fantastical ears in either ‘Elf’ or ‘Vulcan’ style”)
• Tongue control (“Mouth & Tongue Animation Sliders: Now you can have your models lick and flick a dick with the best of them!”
• Dildo customization (“Custom Dildos While-U-Wait! Let your wicked imagination go wild with this fun new tool to customize size, shape, and style of your own range of dildos! Create sleek tools or insane scary big brutal ones to satisfy your insertion fantasies.”)

Technology marches on!

Update: Hustler no longer offers this product, so the links in the post have been removed. However, it seems to have been a branded version of the 3D SexVilla product.