Your conundrum for today: Why do they always call it “needle play” when, in every photo or drawing, they are inevitably using some variety of pin?

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I can’t believe this medical knowledge hasn’t been more widely distributed. You’d think guys would be printing this on handbills and posting it on every flat surface. I quote now from a blog called MommyLogic:

If you’re thinking about conceiving, or certainly if you are already pregnant, there is some pretty convincing evidence that instead of just swallowing, say, folic acid, you might want to swallow something else.

Let me be delicate about this, if I can.

As far as I can tell, not only should you be having lots of oral sex with the father of your baby — even up to a year before conceiving — you should also make sure to ingest his seminal fluid. Listen to what I’m telling you: the international medical community is giving you an Rx for oral. Sure, they say frequent intercourse is good, too, but oral is better. So, if you care about having a healthy baby and not potentially unleashing what scientists call a “destructive attack on the foreign tissues” of your fetus, if you want to avoid immunological disorders during pregnancy, and I’m sure you do, get to work. Or to pleasure, depending on how you feel about it.

Basically, the research says you need to be able to tolerate your baby’s foreign, paternal DNA; in other words, you need to get your body accustomed to the stuff, need to cozy up to some daddy double helix for a while so your body doesn’t reject it.

I’m no doctor, just a pregnant lady with Google, so maybe I’m horribly confused, but here is what I found excerpted online, from the Journal of Reproductive Immunology:

“While any exposure to a partner’s semen during sexual activity appears to decrease a woman’s chances for the various immunological disorders that can occur during pregnancy, immunological tolerance could be most quickly established through oral introduction and gastrointestinal absorption of semen.”

I could not make this up. Gastrointestinal absorption of semen. I know. For the man in your life, this news should not be hard to swallow. Sorry.

According to a group of Dutch researchers, “exposure to semen provides protection against developing preeclampsia.” That’s from a paper with the catchy title, “Immune Maladaptation in the Etiology of Preeclampsia: a Review of Corroborative Epidemiologic Studies.” Or you could use the subtitle: “Semen is Your Friend.”

I just can’t figure out why the whole “blue balls” thing has gotten so much traction with men, but they never got ahold of this medical morsel.

Thanks to Sexoteric for the link.

This illustration is from the 1963 publication Black Stocking Parade:

Of course the legendary standard of skill with the pasty-attached tassels is the ability to get them rotating in opposite directions, which may or may not be suggested by this unmoving drawing. But my eye is drawn elsewhere; I confess to wondering exactly where and how the rear “tail tassel” is affixed.

As you might imagine, I get dozens of PR emails a week from people who want me to promote their adult sites (usually sex toy sales sites). And most of them I ignore, because they all look the same after enough years in the business.

However, there’s a difference between ignoring a PR effort (which leaves open the possibility that I’ll notice or care about the next, more creative effort) and deleting it with extreme prejudice and a derisive mental annotation. And that’s what you get when your PR is fraudulent on its face.

Latest example: I got an email (actually I got about four of these at different email addresses, so I know it was a marketing blast) that went like this, with my comments in [brackets] and alterations (to protect the guilty from the attention they desire) in {curly brackets}:

Hello, my name is Elizabeth , [note the extra space left as a consequence of the “writer” not filling in the last name on their email-spam-generating software’s template] I’m the admin for www.{site}.com. We’re a female friendly, Canadian source for Adult [ooh! Capitalized so you know it’s good!] toys and information. We’ve just finished posting a new Vibrator Guide [ooh! ooh!] on our site and would love to share it with your viewers.

Herewith a digression, in the nature of Bacchus’s suggested alternative Vibrator Guide: “Batteries go in one end. Other end goes on or near her/your clit. Cheap ones burn out fast. Most won’t survive in the bathtub. Get a rechargeable if you use them a lot. Gold standard for lots of sensation is the Hitachi Magic Wand. Next question?”

I’ll betcha a tube of lube mine is more “female friendly” than the one I got spammed in connection with.

Moving on. The spammy PR email I quoted above is mildly risible, but not, as promised, fraudulent on its face. So, what am I bitching about?

Note that it claims to come from “Elizabeth … the admin” for the promoted site. Guess what email it came from?

{malename} <admin@{site}.com>

As you might imagine, I’ve got some advice for {malename}.

1) It’s possible for a male to publish and market a “female friendly” website. You don’t need a fake Elizabeth as a front-woman.

2) If you do decide to gin up a fake Elizabeth as the public face of your company, you might consider getting “her” her own damned email address. But, you’ll still be a moron, because:

3) In the twenty-first century, a new business venture founded on deception is doomed to failure. The internet slashes through and exposes most lies, and, as people’s bullshit meters grow more sensitive, they learn to avoid obvious bullshit (especially empty commercial bullshit with no point to it or need behind it.)

In fairness to {malename}, I need to point out that “his” name is, technically, gender-ambiguous. But, it still ain’t “Elizabeth” or any variation thereof. So, if “he” is a girl, why create a false Elizabeth? The deception, in this case, solidifies my otherwise-necessarily-tentative gender identification.

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You want to know what this showgirl is thinking?

I’ll tell you what she’s thinking: “When I get down off this pedestal, I am going to find the man who designed this costume and I am going to shove it up his ass!”

From Usenet.

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On last Friday’s episode of Real Time With Bill Maher, political strategist Paul Begala made me laugh when he said:

I’m a Catholic. We’re taught that sex is a dirty, vile, disgusting act — that you save for the one you truly love.

Everything Butt — announced in this space on Saturday — has now gone live, along with another new Kink.com feature I quite like, which is some ability to preview the movie from the shoot before downloading. This last feature contributed to my discovery of something that’s rare in porn: the genuine laugh-out-loud moment.

I won’t spoil it for you. In the movie from the shoot, you’ll see Mark Davis plumbing the surprisingly-capacious and hitherto-unsuspected depths of Kylie Ireland’s anal vicinity. He’s using the “toy” shown in this photo:

She’s bent way over, he’s plumbing away, then suddenly he bends over a little bit himself and says… well, you just have to hear it for yourself. I literally laughed out loud, and then a beat later, so did Kylie — whom you wouldn’t have expected to be in a laughing frame of mind. It’s good dirty fun.