Anal Swizzle Sticks

I have — this will not be news — a perverse bent, so I laughed when I saw the product title “Anal Swizzle Sticks“. When I saw the admonition in the product description “just don’t leave these lying around the wet bar when your in-laws visit” my mind immediately began to work on drink recipes:

They are cheap enough to use for pranks (chilling them in a bowl of ice water and then using them as intended might be a good prank, though if I were you I’d make sure your exit lanes were clear first, or use handcuffs) but they are almost ten inches long, so for tacky drinks, you’d need to start with a cartoonishly large glass.

I’m pretty sure that before we finished taking this mixology thought experiment to its fullest and tackiest conclusion, we’d have something called a “Hershey Squirt” and it would have candy corn floating in it. So, on second thought, I’ll stop right here.

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Build Your Own Sex Toys From Stainless Steel!

Like a lot of men, I’m fascinated by finely-machined steel objects that can be assembled, disassembled, and tinkered with. I can’t not visit the Snap-On Tools van when it comes to my neighborhood, it’s got too many nifty chrome-steel toys in it. And the plumbing section of the hardware store is evil; I’m always in there screwing pipe fittings together and building little sculptures. Metal stuff makes the best toys, and even though I lost my Erector Set decades ago, I’ve never forgotten how much fun it was.

So, accordingly, I’m in awe of this new toy:

It’s called the Ballz Master and the marketing copy goes like this:

The Ballz Master Set is a tinker-toy lover’s dream collection, allowing you to assemble a huge range of different stainless steel dildos. You get two different end balls and one each of four middle balls. A total of eleven body segments in three different lengths provide lots of options for the finished length of your toys. You get a hefty base and handle, of course, and a sharp-looking padded aluminum case with foam insert to safely store and transport your Ballz!

I’m not sure how practical this toy set would be, but it sure would be fun to tinker with!