Dan Savage, Memetic Engineer

I wonder if there are genius grants for memetic engineers? Because Dan Savage deserves one. His ability to distill an important concept down into a phrase and then inject it into our collective consciousness like — no, on second thought, let’s eschew simile here — astonishes me every time I see him do it. From redefining “Santorum” years ago to blowing up twitter with #MyUnrealMarriage a few nights ago, he just never seems to stop.

Latest sighting: his “Good, Giving, and Game” mnemonic being used to explain, and even inspire, serious sexual research, as reported in Psychology Today:

GGG is a term coined by sex columnist Dan Savage to represent the qualities that he thinks makes a good sexual partner. GGG stands for ‘good, giving, and game.’ Think ‘good in bed,’ ‘giving of equal time and equal pleasure,’ and ‘game for anything–within reason.'” We know from previous research that people who are more motivated to respond to their partner’s needs (high in communal strength) report higher relationship satisfaction and feel more intrinsic joy after making a sacrifice for their partner. But, do the benefits of being ‘giving’ and ‘game’ translate to the sexual domain of a relationship as Dan Savage would suggest?

In a recent study, myself and my colleagues explored whether being motivated to meet your partner’s sexual needs is good for yourself…

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Brutally Honest Talk From A Married Man

Sometimes you find unexpected stuff in unexpected places. I happened to follow a link to a random spanking blog and there I found a man blogging in an unexpectedly raw way about his mortality and his marriage:

The years seem to get shorter and pass with frightening regularity. When I look back and think that my time ahead is much smaller than those behind; just take a look at my butt that proves it. So to sum up I have been feeling that my days are numbered and if I am going to do anything sooner would be better than later.

Then he shares a vivid spanking fantasy, but when he gets to the part where he checks to see if the woman he’s spanking is aroused:

At this point I think that I am straying into forbidden territory. I have been married for 14 years and have vowed that I would keep certain promises. I do not remember anywhere in that contract that would forbid me from spanking a pretty bottom. If my handiwork left my friend even slightly aroused and or excited this could be a problem. I have to admit that aroused may be pushing it a bit, at this time I would be happy if she were amused or even a little irritated.

I really believe that sex and spanking go together very nicely, you know like a horse and carriage, but I did sign on for monogamy. I did not agree to be celibate and if the only choice I have is celibacy or cheating well I have had enough of celibacy.

…

I like to believe that I have a few good years left in me, maybe more. For too many years now I have been closed to any possibilities. I even negotiated this blog. My wife thought that it might just increase my “unnatural desires”. She may have been right about that, not the unnatural part but by writing and reading posts from like minded people I am feeling that there are more possibilities and I am not finished yet.

For what it’s worth, my own years as a sex blogger have convinced me that, yes, reading and writing in a community of like-minded sex-positive people does tend to alter our views of sexuality, making us much more comfortable with our own desires and kinks, and confirming our innate sense that we’re good enough and smart enough and sexually likable enough that we not only deserve, but can get and are righteous to expect, sexual fulfillment in life. In my view, a spouse who is eager to preserve a marriage but determined to remain sexually ungenerous (or who is, to put it Dan Savage’s way, unwilling to be “good, giving, and game“) should indeed be concerned that sex blogging by the other party might eventually undermine this ambition.

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