I have — this will not be news — a perverse bent, so I laughed when I saw the product title “Anal Swizzle Sticks” in the Stockroom product catalog and when I saw the admonition in the product description “just don’t leave these lying around the wet bar when your in-laws visit” my mind immediately began to work on drink recipes:

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They are cheap enough to use for pranks (chilling them in a bowl of ice water and then using them as intended might be a good prank, though if I were you I’d make sure your exit lanes were clear first, or use some of these) but they are almost ten inches long, so for tacky drinks, you’d need to start with a cartoonishly large glass.

I’m pretty sure that before we finished taking this mixology thought experiment to its fullest and tackiest conclusion, we’d have something called a “Hershey Squirt” and it would have candy corn floating in it. So, on second thought, I’ll stop right here.

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