As a followup to the popular Ass Fuck Conspiracy post, let me share some prefatory material from a brief male-written anal sex guide I just stumbled across:

Alright, so you’ve finally worked up the nerve to ask the question to the woman you’re seeing. Would she like to have anal sex? She looks at you with a grim look on her face and flatly says “No way.” Foolishly you ask her why, thinking that somehow you’ll be able to convince her otherwise. “I tried it once before with another guy. It just hurt too much. I never want to do that again.”

That’s the guy I hate. The guy who ruins anal sex for women for the rest of their lives because they have no clue what they’re doing.

Because he can:

From BJ’s Land.

Via Mistress Matisse, this story of undercover vice cops who got handjobs and “anal touching” at a massage parlor before arresting the ladies who provided their services:

On April 27, an officer entered the shop and paid $60 for and received a full “body shampoo,” which included genital and anal touching. The officer returned two other times for massages that also included masturbation — one session with two prostitutes — and again paid for the service.

A second officer also received a massage and was masturbated, according to charging papers.

…

[Lynnwood police Cmdr. Paul] Watkins says the tactics used during the investigation did not violate department policies.

“We have a very ethical police department,” he said. “This does not violate the ethical standards of our department.”

Police ethics, which you already knew if you ever watched a cop park his cruiser or speed through a crosswalk: “The laws are for you to follow, and do not apply to us. We are above the law.” Got it.

Just how big was it? Please hold still while our lovely volunteer from the audience gets a quick measure:

Vintage porn star image from alt. binaries. pictures. erotica. pornstar.

Have you heard of the ass fuck conspiracy? Well, have you? Perhaps everyone else has seen this classic Craig’s List post, but somehow I’d missed it.

From Making Light, a bit of timeless poetry:

Senator Smoot (Republican, Ut.)
Is planning a ban on smut.
Oh, rooti-ti-toot for Smoot of Ut.
And his reverent occiput.
Smite, Smoot, smite for Ut.,
Grit your molars and do your dut.,
Gird up your l–ns,
Smite h-p and th-gh,
We’ll all be Kansas
By and by.

–Ogden Nash, “Invocation,” 1931

This is a bizarre little anecdote about a man’s discovery of the escort business — as told (I am not making this up) to a retail employee in a computer game store:

D: “At night, you want some company… You know what I did?”

J: “Uhh…”

D: “I opened up the yellow pages. They have all these ads, pictures of pretty girls, you know, escorts,… so I called and got this nice girl sent over to the motel. Her name was Mandy, tiny little girl, long hair…”

J: “… okay.”

D: “… she had just started doing that type of work. You know, these escorts, you can pay them for sex. It cost me two hundred dollars. I don’t know what something like that would cost me here, probably a lot more. I asked her why she didn’t go to a larger city. They have contracts and stuff. I tipped her twenty dollars and she asked me for more because she had to split the two hundred with her boss.”

J: “…”

D: “She was very cute when she was going down on me. Her little body, her tits. Can I touch those? Yes, you can Dan. I could bounce her around, she was so tiny. After the blowjob, she was finishing me off and she leaned back. This shot of cum went up into the air. I swear, about two feet through the air.”