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The Sex Blog Of Record
Thursday, July 18th, 2024 -- by Bacchus
Craig Ferguson has a lot of double entendre fun with actress Kate Mara Maria Bello in this clip where her stylish hat turns into a discussion of her fantastic head:
Update: Post text corrected thanks to Payton in the comments, who tells me I had an incorrect ID for the actress.
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Sunday, January 29th, 2023 -- by Bacchus
I think people often forget the importance of giving good eye contact during a blowjob. Maybe this photo will help them remember.
Photo via Kinky Delight, but originally from Velvet Ecstasy.
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Tuesday, May 31st, 2022 -- by Bacchus
This enthusiastic blowjob.gif stars Adriana Chechik in POV Amateur Auditions Vol. 7:
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Monday, May 9th, 2022 -- by Bacchus
Here’s another entrant in the whole “what he’s thinking about when he’s wanking” category of erotic art:
From the 1950s French book Leçons d’amour. This artwork is usually attributed to “Jean Guyot” but for all I can make of the publishing info at that link, that name is just as likely to be the pseudonym of the book’s author as of its perhaps-uncredited illustrator.
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Thursday, October 8th, 2020 -- by Bacchus
Sex blogging for most of two decades hasn’t left me with much ironclad knowledge about human sexuality. But it has filled me with wild opinions I can’t prove. One of these is that the overwhelming majority of men don’t get as many blowjobs as they’d truly like. (Perhaps a great many women don’t receive as much cunnilingus as they would like, either, but among women there seems to be more diversity of opinion on the matter of receiving oral sex.)
If you hooked enough men up to your truth meter and menaced them with electric shocks until they divulged honest answers, I predict you’d learn that, on average, men would like to get sucked off at least twice a day. Maybe just once. Somewhere between those numbers. Seven days a week, fifty-two days a year. In addition to all the other sex. Declining, sometimes but not always, with increasing age.
Generally speaking, it doesn’t happen. Not for nothing does the colloquial compound word for fellatio have the word “job” in it. Giving a good blowjob is genuine skilled work. Lots of women love to do it, but not that often, right? (The same, I assume without evidence, may be true of gay men.)
A lot of men follow a certain trajectory, early in their sexual life. Some woman tests out her oral skills on them, to considerable appreciation and applause. Maybe they have a few really good relationships, with lots of sex and almost as many blowjobs as they can handle, for awhile. But over time they come to understand that blowjobs are a scarce resource, that will never be in surplus.
At this point, strategies diverge. A lot of men (most?) resign themselves to that sad reality, taking their too-rare blowjobs where they can find them. But there are certain patterns among men who try a little harder to find friendly faces to fuck.
One common strategy: pay for your blowjobs. If money is no object, you literally can buy your way to oral bliss about as often as you want, in most urban areas anyway. But you’d have to have a serious trust fund behind you to keep it up for long.
Another common strategy: energetic casual dating. Online profiles, dating apps, using every hookup site you can find, honing your pickup skills at local bars: it’s not a bad life, until you tire. But most guys can’t keep it up at the pace and intensity they’d need to satisfy their honest appetites for oral. You can have a lot of fun. Some guys stretch out this phase for years. But it’s effortful.
The dream solution is to marry well. Get you a wife who loves to suck dick. This is great when it works out, but as someone I know once said about marriage: “The shit changes.” Too often, the person you marry displays one level of sexual hunger in the early phases of your relationship and a wholly different level after marriage.
Some clever lads try to sidestep this sad eventuality by pursuing committed relationships (short of marriage) with suitably-lusty lasses. Outcomes appear to be mixed. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. At least it’s cheaper and less painful when things don’t work out.
At the end of the day, most men come around to the understanding that what they truly want (if they were emperor in command of all available sexual labor) is unrealistic in the real world. Lust is a market of sorts, and their dick inevitably has tastes too expensive to completely satisfy. So they accommodate themselves to a reduced reality. Perhaps only one blowjob a week!
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Monday, April 1st, 2019 -- by Bacchus
Diane and Karen are young wives, best friends and recently married, who find themselves often lonely and unsatisfied when their husbands travel on business. Married life does not agree with them! So they resolve to go to a bar and pick up some random men for a little lighthearted fun. They are the stars of The Suck Wives by David Brown (Greenleaf 1975):
Twenty minutes later they drove into the parking lot of a small roadside motel. Wade got out of the car and headed quickly for the lobby. He was gone no more than a few seconds before Diane hopped into the back seat with Ed and Karen. “It’s been too long,” she said, unbuttoning his fly and groping for his cock. “I’m horny again!”
“You broads are fuckin’ crazy!” groaned Ed, gasping and stirring in the seat. “You bitches are gonna pull the fuckin’ thing out by the roots!”
The girls didn’t reply. They were too busy kneeling in the seat and moving their faces toward Ed’s swollen cock. Suddenly he cried out, shivering. Diane and Karen greedily went for his bulging dong, their tongues lashing out. While two pairs of eager hands were groping for his balls, their mouths enveloped him, their wet lips saturating his prick with kisses. His jism fought to erupt.
Wade returned to the car. “What the fuck are ya doin’, for Chrissakes?” he snarled, gaping at them.
Ed was beaming from ear to ear. “What the fuck d’ya think, old buddy?”
“C’mon! Get outa there! We gotta room.”
Ed tried to get up, but the girls kept him pinned down. Finally, he shrugged in defeat and shook his head sadly at Wade. “Sorry,” he said, laughing shortly. “I guess I got too much for these twats to pass up!”
Wade wrenched open the door and pulled Karen away from Ed’s cock. “There’s just as much right here, baby,” he said harshly, pointing to his throbbing prick. “Let’s go inside, for Chrissakes!”
Ed pulled up his pants and the three of them got out of the car.
Inside was a big room with two king-size beds. The girls could hardly wait to remove their clothing. As soon as Ed had closed the door, they pulled off their tops and shrugged out of their tight pants. Their gleaming naked bodies lit up the room.
“Jesus H. Christ!” exclaimed Ed in awe. “They’re fuckin’ beautiful!”
“C’mon, big boy!” urged Diane, approaching Ed and pinning him against the door. “Show me what I’m gettin’!” Then she went into action, unbuttoning his fly, pulling down his trousers, and taking his entire cock into her mouth. She got on her knees, took his balls in her hands, and began to suck his prick hungrily.
“I want it in the ass!” squealed Karen while Wade was undressing. “I want the fuckin’ thing in my ass!” Without another word she jumped on the bed, got on her hands and knees, spread her thighs, and waited for him to stick his cock in. Already she was panting. The hot cunt juice was dripping down her thighs.
Wade knelt behind her, reached between them, and thrust his thumb up her dripping cunt.
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Saturday, January 12th, 2019 -- by Bacchus
There is a device marketed as an “oral sex toy for women” that consists of a bunch of soft mechanical tongues on a rotating wheel. The one shown here is a cheap Chinese knockoff, so I figure it’s only fair I stole their image from AliExpress:
My favorite sex toy retailer does not carry even the reputable brand of these things, which is a worrying hint — if we needed one — that the concept is dubious. But I’m not precisely equipped to evaluate the device properly myself. I did get offered review product once, but The Nymph, who would have been the product tester, made it clear that there was only one very hard way that mechanical tongues were getting near her erogenous zones:
Mind you, I didn’t necessarily consider this a deal breaker. But when I explored that line of conversation, it turns out that she was speaking entirely rhetorically. So in the end, we did not pursue the “oral sex toy for women” review opportunity.
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Monday, April 9th, 2018 -- by Bacchus
Anybody who has ever played any Dungeons and Dragons (or, probably, any other relatively freeform role-playing game) has probably spoken or heard uttered that immortal phrase “I’ll distract the guardsmen and then…” But how, exactly, is the distraction of the guards to be accomplished?
Methods vary. But here’s one surefire way, especially when discipline is lax:
Art is by Calm, whose work is Patreon-supported.
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Sunday, April 24th, 2016 -- by Bacchus
A lot of men like some attention paid to the balls during blowjobs. But taking them entirely in one’s mouth seems like more of a party trick to me. I don’t know, I’ve never tried it. But getting it done without discomfort to the balls seems like it would take caution and skill:
Artwork is from the Sex Gangsters browser game.
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Tuesday, June 24th, 2014 -- by Bacchus
When a writer using the byline of Annalee Hardison wrote about her first experience of oral sex, at Gasm, I was struck by the erotic fiction tropes and stylistic similarities between this ostensibly non-fiction account and the paid-by-the-word “sex letters” columns that used to appear as filler in porn magazines. I typically don’t worry much about the literal truth of the sexual accounts that get blogged about here, and I don’t propose to start worrying today. I just think the stylistic accomplishment is worth noting before we get to the good stuff:
I don’t want to write anything disparaging about Eric because he wasn’t a bad kisser or anything like that, I just expected something different, something more intimate, romantic and certainly something more intense. Well, that all changed the minute we both got completely naked and I let him go down on me! It kind of took me by surprise at first; the sensation was very pleasurable, but totally unique. It was so warm, slippery and exquisite! I had never felt anything like it before and the feeling of his tongue and lips on my vagina was incredible. This far surpassed anything I had ever done in my young, inexperienced life.
My body began involuntarily trembling with tiny spasms of excitement and pleasure. My breath quickened and I was moaning, gasping and running my hands through his hair and feeling the side of his face as his jaw moved up and down while he made love to my vagina with his mouth. My nipples were rock hard and my entire body felt electrified. The intensity that had been missing from our PG-13 make-out sessions was obliterated by this full-on orgasmic sensation of pure lust and carnality! I no longer cared if he didn’t think I was pretty (he did) or if I technically wasn’t his girlfriend (I wasn’t). I didn’t care that my parents would absolutely kill me if they found out I was making out with a 21-year old guy that had gone to high school with my older sister. A guy that I had a crush on since I was in the 7th grade! I didn’t care if he thought I was silly or that I had a bit of stubble in my armpits. I just knew that I didn’t want him to stop. I wanted this incredible sensation to LAST FOREVER.
I was shaking uncontrollably and gasping for breath. I kept saying “Oh god Eric, oh god, OH GOD!” And then, he looked up while still lapping and gently inserted his middle finger into my drenched and throbbing vagina. I had never known such absolute pleasure in all my life. The old “one-two” trick of using fingers while going down on a woman has to be the BEST INVENTION EVER! After he started easing his finger into me, I was delirious with ecstasy! A thin mist of sweat had broken out over my entire naked body and I was shaking so hard I was surprised my teeth weren’t chattering as I writhed in delicious perfection. I was convulsing with pre-orgasmic bliss as he rhythmically fingered me and brought me closer and closer to climax. I was so wet that my thighs were slippery and his face was drenched in my lady lubrication. A strong sensation overtook me and suddenly I was buckling under him as I shook with feverish delight. Wave after wave of orgasm broke over me as I came again and again. I was not in control, and I convulsed with excited spasms a few more times until it almost began to actually hurt. I felt exhilarated and light-headed, like I was going to faint and blast off into space at the same time. He came up from between my thighs and held me as I quivered in his arms. I couldn’t speak and my head was spinning.
She continues in this enthusiastic vein when it gets to be his turn:
I kissed and licked his chest and nipples, making my way down to his stomach where I undid his zipper and tore off his pants in one fell swoop. His briefs were bulging with an enormous erection. I had never seen one that up-close before and was stunned that it didn’t look anything like I imagined. It certainly didn’t look like anything we were taught about in health class. It was fully erect and curved at a slight angle, like it was pointing to something right over his head. It was meaty, vein-y and throbbing. It was pulsating with Eric’s heartbeat and for a moment the sight of it mesmerized me…
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Sunday, November 24th, 2013 -- by Bacchus
Versions of this image are all over the web but good sourcing is hard to come by. This German forum seems to suggest that a camera panned over a manuscript page where this was an illustration during a show on the History Channel, but as citations go, I admit that’s pretty lame:
I guess the idea was to suggest that oral sex, if you were so foolish to partake, would be punished by a toucan with a fierce anal fixation?
Monday, August 12th, 2013 -- by Bacchus
This is detail from the cover art on an old stroke book that apparently targeted swinger and BDSM fantasies in the same title:
The lurid cover copy (click image above for full view of the book cover) says “They were tied up with the Jones…and going down with the Smiths!”
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Sunday, June 24th, 2012 -- by Bacchus
I’m sure this is an ancient joke but it was new to me when I heard it:
Birth control pills: the second-best thing a woman can put in her mouth to avoid pregnancy.
Ancient sexually-repressed billionaires should take note…
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Sunday, January 8th, 2012 -- by Bacchus
From Questionable Content #1220.
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Tuesday, September 29th, 2009 -- by Bacchus
Getting between a woman and her chocolate can be dangerous at the best of times. At the worst of times? It’s simply NOT smart.
It turns out there’s an aggravated version of this offense that’s even more dangerous, and Korey knew a man who almost pushed it too far:
Let me tell you the tale (though quite perverse, I warn you) about how I almost killed my ex fiancé over the left-over brownie batter. This story will make you think less of me, I know, but it’s a true story. I like to think I’m a normal person, too–until I think back to this dark, dark time.
I had walked in from class, and my ex boyfriend, all 340 pounds of him, was cooking–which was what the man did best. He was excellent at cooking, and I’m still trying to shed off the forty-five pounds I had gained during the course of our relationship. That day, he was making brownies.
Now, I don’t even care for brownies. Not as much as the uncooked batter. JP, my ex, didn’t believe in eating batter since he had gotten salmonella poisoning when he was a kid from eating batter with a raw egg in it. Such a thing had never, and has never, happened to me, and I hated that he would try to clean the bowl before I had a chance to lick it.
Today, I was PMSing, and as most of you women know, we need chocolate during this time. We will climb a mountain for chocolate. We will fight for it. And so, I begged as hard as I could for the batter, and finally JP made a deal with me.
If I performed oral on him, I could have the bowl.
Oh my God! Are you a chocolate whore?
Yes, I am. I’m not proud of it, but I took his deal, and afterwards, let him have sex with me, even though I made it clear that I was not in the mood. After it was done, needless to say, I felt deserving of the chocolate. However, by the time I was finished getting dressed after the ordeal, I came out into the kitchen and saw the bowl in the sink, with water in it, soaking.
My mouth dropped. “But–my CHOCOLATE!” I gasped.
JP smirked at me and shrugged. “I told you that raw egg’s not good for you.”
I looked at the knives next to me. JP didn’t know how close he was to death. Every inch of my being yearned to take one of those knives and stick it into him with all my strength. I was not myself. I was shaking.
As I was trying to fight this powerful will that was trying to put me in prison for the rest of my life, JP suddenly produced a chocolate batter-covered spoon. It saved his life. I calmed down instantly, but I found I was sick. My adrenaline was surging. I was still seeing white. I had very nearly killed him.
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Tuesday, June 30th, 2009 -- by Bacchus
I can’t believe this medical knowledge hasn’t been more widely distributed. You’d think guys would be printing this on handbills and posting it on every flat surface. I quote now from a blog called MommyLogic:
If you’re thinking about conceiving, or certainly if you are already pregnant, there is some pretty convincing evidence that instead of just swallowing, say, folic acid, you might want to swallow something else.
Let me be delicate about this, if I can.
As far as I can tell, not only should you be having lots of oral sex with the father of your baby — even up to a year before conceiving — you should also make sure to ingest his seminal fluid. Listen to what I’m telling you: the international medical community is giving you an Rx for oral. Sure, they say frequent intercourse is good, too, but oral is better. So, if you care about having a healthy baby and not potentially unleashing what scientists call a “destructive attack on the foreign tissues” of your fetus, if you want to avoid immunological disorders during pregnancy, and I’m sure you do, get to work. Or to pleasure, depending on how you feel about it.
Basically, the research says you need to be able to tolerate your baby’s foreign, paternal DNA; in other words, you need to get your body accustomed to the stuff, need to cozy up to some daddy double helix for a while so your body doesn’t reject it.
I’m no doctor, just a pregnant lady with Google, so maybe I’m horribly confused, but here is what I found excerpted online, from the Journal of Reproductive Immunology:
“While any exposure to a partner’s semen during sexual activity appears to decrease a woman’s chances for the various immunological disorders that can occur during pregnancy, immunological tolerance could be most quickly established through oral introduction and gastrointestinal absorption of semen.”
I could not make this up. Gastrointestinal absorption of semen. I know. For the man in your life, this news should not be hard to swallow. Sorry.
According to a group of Dutch researchers, “exposure to semen provides protection against developing preeclampsia.” That’s from a paper with the catchy title, “Immune Maladaptation in the Etiology of Preeclampsia: a Review of Corroborative Epidemiologic Studies.” Or you could use the subtitle: “Semen is Your Friend.”
I just can’t figure out why the whole “blue balls” thing has gotten so much traction with men, but they never got ahold of this medical morsel.
Thanks to Sexoteric for the link.
Monday, March 2nd, 2009 -- by Bacchus
An ancient joke I stumbled on (most recently) at Bad Example:
A teacher asks her class, ‘If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?’
She calls on little Ralphy.
He replies, ‘None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.’
The teacher replies, ‘The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.’
Then little Ralphy says, ‘I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?’
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, ‘Well, I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.’
To which Little Ralphy replied, ‘The correct answer is ‘the one with the wedding ring on,’ but I like your thinking.’
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Monday, August 4th, 2003 -- by Bacchus
Lots of guys really enjoy a clean shaven lady. It can be visually and tactilely exciting, and it helps prevent getting hairs stuck in your teeth during oral sex, not that that’s a huge problem or anything. Unfortunately a lot of women have practical issues with shaving: razor burn, ingrown hairs, et cetera.
Fortunately, Smooth Shaven Shell (who used to be found at the now-defunct Across the Atlantic blog) has posted a guest blog post at Gut Rumbles that consists of exceedingly detailed instructions and suggestions for the shaving woman, complete with a ten step program:
I have a very hairy pussy. Thick dark hair on pale skin, and it isn’t confined to a neat little triangle. It spills down the tops of my thighs maybe half an inch or so.
This was all fine and good when I was married to Other Person, who didn’t really give a shit what I looked like, when he bothered to notice me at all. I’ve been separated from him now for 10 months and I have a wonderful new lover who does notice me.
He asked me to shave my labia. For the anatomically challenged, that’s the outer lips of the pussy. I was able to shave that without razor rash. The skin of the labia is different somehow than the mons. Whenever I tried to shave the mons, I got major razor burn. That is a very unpleasant place to have razor burn, as you can imagine. I was also opposed to shaving the mons because I love the feeling of my lover running his fingers through my pussy hair.
Then I found the correct tool for the job. A good electric shaver is far superior to a razor. I can pull it over the most delicate areas without nicks or cuts. It handles all the hills and hollows trying to shave down there requires. I love it.
My lover shaved me completely bald down there. It reduced some kinds of sensations (hair follicles rest in a net of nerves, which is why it feels so good when someone brushes your hair and hurts so bad if they pull it) but heightened others.
My lover likes it. A lot. So until he changes his mind, I’m keeping it smooth.
Maintaining A Shaven Pussy
1. If you are starting from long and hairy, like I did, trim it all short with a pair of scissors. Like 1/4″ or so. And unless you’re in a big hurry, you might want to wait a few days. Trimming irritates the skin a bit, because the hair ends are blunt and scratchy when they used to be tapered and smooth.
2. Unlike the instructions for shaving your pussy with a razor, I do not recommend bathing first to soften the hairs. You do not want them soft for an electric shaver. I shave every morning before my shower (unless I’m going to the gym, then I shave before I leave–I’m immodest, but I’m not up to shaving my pussy in public!) and then again at bedtime. Electric shaving doesn’t get as close, but I still spend less time shaving twice a day with a shaver than I would doing it once a day with a razor.
3. For the mons, do this standing in front of a full length mirror. You want the skin pulled taut, and the mons will be crunched up if you are sitting. Put your free hand on your belly just above the hairy part and pull up to tighten the skin. Then shave. It will take multiple strokes over the same area, especially if you are coarse and hairy like me. It also won’t get as close the first time as it will after you get used to it. Stand with your legs apart so you can get the crease between abdomen and thigh.
4. For the labia, you’ll want your makeup mirror. Find a comfortable place to sit with your knees bent and legs spread. On the floor leaning against the wall is good, as is a big comfy chair, if there’s enough room for the mirror. Pull a lamp nearby — you need light.
5. Now comes the fun part — shaving all those hills and hollows. I have a hard time getting the place just above the clit where the labia come together. Take it slow and easy till you get used to it. Pull the skin taut and shave against the grain. If you can manage it, a pillow under your ass and some cheek spreading can enable you to shave your anus.
6. Aftercare is important. Now you can take that shower or bath and wash off all those little hairs. Use a good exfoliant on your shaven bits. This will pull off the dead skin and help prevent and treat ingrown hairs. I have a major problem with these — the hairs just want to grow along under the surface of the skin. Scrubbing the skin helps free them.
7. For those really stubborn hairs, you’ll have to tweeze them. I’ve heard there are girls who tweeze their entire pussy. If I was to maintain my baldness with that method, that’s all I would have time to do all day. These must be women with sparser hair than me.
8. Apply a good lotion or cold cream to soothe the area–it will be irritated the first few times you do it, and it feels good when you rub it in. Or ask your lover to do it.
9. What about wet wipes? That’s for after you pee. When you actually have hair down there, it works as a funnel to direct the urine down in a nice little stream without getting the rest of you wet. A smooth pussy is deficient in this. The urinary opening is between the inner labia, below the clit. The urine comes out, and instead of being funneled down and away, it runs along the skin. It gets the labia wet. It gets the ass wet. It will even get the thighs wet. Having bum wipes on the back of the toilet (and yes, I took a box of them to work to sit on the toilet there), lets you tidy yourself up afterwards.
10. After all that work, you deserve a reward. And we all know what that reward should be: Cunnilingus!
She’s not making light of the practical problems, but she’s tackled them with a scientific mind and come up with an entire suite of strategies to minimize them. Bravo!
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