|
|
The Sex Blog Of Record
ErosBlog posts containing "sex toys"
August 29th, 2012 -- by Bacchus
Sex toy reviewing here at ErosBlog has followed a curious arc. In the early days of the blog, when traffic was bigger and sex blogs were more rare (this was before Fleshbot, mostly) I got a lot of unsolicited sex toys in the mail. I typically reviewed only the favorites, and I was always clear with folks that stuff would have to impress me a lot (code for “be expensive, nifty, and useful”) in order for me to stir my lazy ass enough to write a review.
Then sex blogging took off and got commercial. Potential places to get reviews became numerous. And sex toy sellers figured out that guaranteed reviews from smaller blogs were more valuable than potential reviews at ErosBlog that might or might not happen. The no-strings-attached stuff in the mail trickled off, but the offers with strings exploded. I don’t play those games; I’m not going to promise a review, return your toys after review (yuck), promise your preferred anchor text in my review links, none of it. Mostly I ignore those emails as spam; sometimes, if the offer is about a toy I’d actually like to see, I’ll respond with my “send it if you want, no promises” disclaimer. Sometimes this leads to amusing exchanges with huffy and offended sex toy purveyors who think I should be drooling to get free toys; less often, it leads to stuff in the mail. A surprising number of times it results in promises to send stuff that never arrives; apparently, too many sex toy companies have drop shippers that can’t handle shipping to post office boxes or discrete packaging and labeling. What with one thing and another, it’s been years since ErosBlog got stuff in the mail that was nifty enough to try out and quality enough to actually review. That’s just how it goes.
However, reviewers for more prominent outlets apparently got (still get?) a lot more, and more amazing, stuff. Here’s Gram Ponante:
I would review sex toys, often securing the assistance of willing female friends to give their honest impressions of non-organic objects I would scientifically insert into their bodies.
“Don’t worry, Baby,” I would say. “It’s for a blog.”
Each month I’d get boxes and boxes of dildos and vibrators — some of them heavy and elegant pieces of practical art — that would disappear into the purses and vaginas of various friends. And that’s great because I didn’t need them back.
But then came the male-oriented sex toys: the masturbation sleeves, the disembodied molded vaginas and anuses of people like Carmen Luvana, Joanna Angel, Jada Fire, and others, made of phthalate-rich rubbery material with names like “Cyberskin” and “TrueFlesh.” It was very difficult to give this stuff away. When April Flores’ “Realistic Pussy & Ass” arrived, we had great fun just slapping it around the office; it did feel like the ass of a delighted BBW vixen, but I couldn’t find anyone to fuck it, ditto the rubberized moneymakers of any of the other porn stars.
What’s more, when I would place April Flores’ Realistic Pussy & Ass on a co-worker’s chair as a joke, I was mortified to find it left residue. Were April Flores herself to sit her naked pussy and ass on an office chair, the next tenant would only sense that something wonderful had happened there, not be unnerved by some pinkish chemical ooze.
Just so, just so. That chair, you could probably sell on eBay. Meanwhile, I’m pleased to report nobody ever tried to mail me any disembodied phthalate-oozing pussies or asses.
The rest of Gram’s article is worth reading for his take on male-oriented sex toys (mostly not worth the added complexity “unless the toy is for a part of your person you just can’t get at, like the prostate”) and for good lines like this: “The lapsed Catholic in me was fine with spilling my seed non-procreatively, but not on the ground; it had to be on a living face.”
Similar Sex Blogging:
October 22nd, 2011 -- by Bacchus
Courtney Trouble on sexual ignorance:
I’m going to speak from my own female point of view for a second and speak directly to the heterosexual guys out there reading this: Women do not want to have sex with people who don’t know how to have sex. Want to get laid? Want to get laid over and over and over again? Get yourself sex educated on female pleasure. Learn about the clitoris. Learn about sex toys. Learn about anatomy, fingerfucking, fisting, female ejaculation, cunnilingus, dirty talk, BDSM, kink, fantasy role play. Your ignorance is keeping you down. The guys who get laid all the time (and aren’t just lying about it) are the ones who know what they’re doing.
Pop Quiz: You’re fucking a babe. You orgasm. She doesn’t — WHAT DO YOU DO NOW? Your answer to this question is pivotal to your sex score. Thinking that female pleasure is “Gross” will get you nothing. No pussy for you. If you don’t know what to do with a pussy when your dick is soft — you don’t deserve any pussy.
September 12th, 2011 -- by Bacchus
Playing with violet wands and cheaper-but-similar plasma bulb electrosex toys offers a lot of possibilities — but it’s not easy to photograph. This shot from Wired Pussy does a better job than most:
(Don’t forget to click the photo for a larger view.)
Picture is from this photoshoot (see also this view and this one.)
Similar Sex Blogging:
July 21st, 2011 -- by Bacchus
I was looking through the new sex toys on the market this week when I saw something that made me clutch at my genitals reflexively. That doesn’t happen very often, but unless you’re already an aficionado of this fetish, I think you’ll understand why, when you see it:
It’s the Giant Penis Plug, and the sales copy doesn’t help much:
Grooved for your pleasure, this appealing streamlined-design penis plug features a gently tapered, round point for easy insertion into the urethra. Running along the plug’s sleek steel shaft are five deep, machined grooves, equal distance apart from one another, creating a ribbed texture for intensified urethra stimulation. Mounted on the end of the plug is a slender, graceful steel curved arm with an attached bead. Connected to the fixed bead is a detachable head ring that is worn tightly around the head of the penis, so the plug will not slip too far in or slide out.
When I see the phrase “intensified urethra stimulation” all I can think of is a good old-fashioned Monty Python line: “Run away! Run away!”
Similar Sex Blogging:
December 21st, 2009 -- by Bacchus
Evil Santa has more fun than Nice Santa, I do believe:
October 29th, 2009 -- by Bacchus
Field-expedient masturbatory aids are not unheard of in male sexual experience. Indeed, this is perhaps an understatement. And just as in any other field of human endeavor, there’s always this one guy who goes all alpha-geek perfectionist.
In the realm of the home-made pocket pussy, that man is called Pafnuty Kingdom Shacknasty (well, he calls himself that) and Always Aroused Girl has found him, hunted him down, and forced him (delicious torments, I’m sure) to write an instructible worthy of Make magazine, complete with color glossy photographs:
Make Your Own Sex-Toy: A Pocket Pussy Polemic Part One
Make Your Own Sex-Toy: A Pocket Pussy Polemic Part Two
Like all true geniuses, PafShack (as I shall call him for short) labored in the wilderness for many years, perfecting his Promethean gift (and convincing himself of its perfection) before returning to share it with his fellow man:
I spent several years, from about 2000 until about 2004, working on the problem in depth, trying out dozens of designs. I tried polyethylene bags, elastomeric fire hose liners, foam rubber wrapped in various kinds of tapes, rubber surgical wraps, condoms, bicycle tire inner tubes, and probably things I’ve completely forgotten about.
I started out knowing nothing about what design parameters I should incorporate, and by sheer natural selection, discovered what worked, what didn’t, and why. I’ll save you the history of the Great Chain of Being and cut right to the chase; namely what I believe to be the design of the Perfect Pocket Pussy. After I demonstrate how to build it, I’ll compare it to what is widely hailed as the best commercial design, which is evidently still the Fleshlight.
First off, I discovered that two very important parameters are porosity and resilience. Foam rubber fulfills both of these needs nicely. Zip on down to the local big box hardware store and buy a length of foam rubber pipe insulation. Note that pipe insulation is also made in polyethylene. You want foam rubber. The difference should be immediately obvious both by looking at it and by touching it. I bought a 6 foot length for $5.77.
There’s more of this, quite a lot more, which you can read for yourself. I’m satisfied to provide a photograph of the finished product:
Just as interesting to me as the technical details, though, was the promise (quoted above) that PafShack would compare his PPP (“Perfect Pocket Pussy”) with the market-leading Fleshlight. I blogged about the Fleshlight almost seven years ago, but I’ve never actually seen one; nor, in that seven years, have I happened to stumble across any really critical review, in which the negative features of the Fleshlight were discussed along with its allegedly positive ones. (There might be a blog post in that fact alone, or even two; perhaps one about the rarely-violated taboos men observe in writing about their own sexuality, and another about the ways in which widespread affiliate marketing generates an ocean of bland one-sided marketing prose about products, mostly puffery that tends to drown out genuinely and useful writing about such products.) In any case, PafShack’s comparison of his PPP with the Fleshlight turns out to be the most useful review of the commercial product that I’ve ever seen:
First off, the Fleshlight is expensive. The base model I bought at the local sex emporium was $65. Compare that to the cost of materials for my version, which would run around $5… [T]he “breech” aperture is very small, resulting in a very “tight” feel. My first outing with the unit using Astroglide resulted in several realizations. First off, you need to be fully erect to even insert your penis into the unit. Not useful if you want to use it to help get you started. If your penis comes out of the unit, it’s hard to get it back in without using your other hand. This is a negative, as your other hand is usually holding a magazine, mouse, or remote. You don’t want lube all over those! The unit is so tight that lube tends to be pumped down, i.e. the Fleshlight acts as a sort of squeegee, or windshield wiper. In my case this resulted in the dreaded Lemon Song Conundrum, which I hadn’t experienced in years with my own designs. I had to constantly keep adding lube to the muzzle to maintain optimum lubrication. It caused pain in my urethra, and in fact resulted in a searing pain on orgasm.
On the upside, the material “Cyberskin” appears to be slightly porous, which is good. But the unit has to have a rigid plastic casing, because the Cyberskin is so intrinsically floppy that it won’t support itself, unless it was made much thicker all along its length. This means that the rigid plastic tube prevents any manipulation of the tube morphology. All you can do with it is manipulate the angle of attack and rate of oscillation. The Fleshlight is heavy. To maintain the tightness of the aperture, and the overall “feel” of the unit, a large mass of Cyberskin is packed into the first few inches of the breech.
I tried to weigh the Fleshlight; it’s beyond the range of my Ohaus student balance. It’s more than a pound and less than a kilogram. In contrast, my own PP weighs just 58 grams! While the Fleshlight is certainly slick, and has no adhesive discontinuities like my own design, it’s also “lifeless” in the sense that no fine manipulation of the shape of the tube can occur. It’s perfectly homogenous; twisting it does nothing, it feels just the same.
I suppose it could be made to suck, if one adjusted the rigid plastic top cap just so, I didn’t even bother to try.
My own PP is also built with a porous material; foam rubber. It’s naturally resilient, like Cyberskin. It’s able to be custom fit to the user. If it ends up feeling too loose, add rubber bands. If it ends up feeling too tight, just keep on using it; being foam rubber, it will tend to compact. The BOPP adds enough stiffness to where the unit will not collapse, yet is vastly less massive, and therefore allows a much greater range of subtle and sensitive control. Your control hand can alter the tube’s shape allowing continuous variation of stimulation. Held at the top, the tube can be closed off, and suction applied at will. Used with a 50-50 mixture of hair conditioner and water results in virtually no Lemon Song Conundrum.
The downside? As with all sex toys, you must wash and dry the thing. The inner surface will degrade over time, due to ordinary usage. The foam will become less resilient.
Yes, I know it’s a boast, but I believe I have developed the greatest male masturbation toy of all time: This is my lasting gift to the betterment of mankind. To masturbate with your hand is to revert to the Neanderthal.
Thanks PafShack for for your years of toil on behalf of all mankind. And thanks to AAG for coaxing the story out of him!
Update: AAG did a more diligent job than most of erasing all trace of her blog and its posts when she departed from the adult internet, so the links that were in this post were broken beyond my ability to repair. If she, or PafShak, or anybody else who for any reason still has an archive of PafShak’s tutorial ever sees this, please by all means drop me a discreet copy to post up in full!
Similar Sex Blogging:
October 3rd, 2009 -- by Bacchus
I’ve been interested in computer erotica since nineteen eighty-something when I first saw a Mac “game” that featured a black-and-white line drawing of a naked woman, and some on-screen dildos that could be manipulated with a mouse to make her demonstrate an orgasm. (Some happy screaming audio and some screen-shaking in the best traditions of the early Star Trek, if I recall rightly.)
For almost as long, people have been using 3D drawing software titles like Poser to draw dirty pictures. Some of that artwork is incredibly good, although as with any other genre, there’s a crap-ton of crap also.
Since my EverQuest days (many of which were spent as a Cleric on autofollow behind an insufficiently-dressed wood-elf Ranger as she bounced up and down over the hilly plains of East Karana) I’ve figured that the killer app for massively multiplayer online gaming would be an adult/erotic application that allowed you dispense with clothes and take cybering into the visual realm. So far, nobody’s put together a good engine for doing that; but I remain as confident as ever that this, too, will come.
Although it’s apparently not social or multiplayer, I’ve recently become aware of a game engine marketed by Hustler that seems to be working on a lot of the sort of tools such a sex MMORPG would require. Hustler 3D has graphics that remind me a lot of EverQuest (late 1990s tech) in quality, but I suspect it’s the interactivity that will make it sell. Letting the customers control the action and the poses, and giving them a range of sex toys and bondage gear to play with, is going to appeal to a lot of people:
The marketing copy describes Hustler 3d as:
a stunning interactive world where consumers can play out their wildest hardcore fantasies. HUSTLER3D.COM is a stunning interactive world where users can enjoy incredibly realistic erotic experiences. Members can construct their perfect sexual partner by selecting a model or their favorite pornstar and modifying over 100 physical features. They can then explore unlimited sexual fantasies incorporating a wide selection of environments, novelties and sexual positions. HUSTLER3D.COM also gives users the ability to create their own HD picture galleries of their sexual adventures!
Although I suspect this project falls far short of the interactivity and (especially) sociability I’ve been imagining since my EverQuest days, it’s clear that there are an enormous array of tools provided. Among the advertised features are:
- Very specific accessories (“New Ball Free Gag Ring: Tired of that gag ball blocking a perfectly good hole to drop a load into? Well now you can have the perfect setup for target practice and endlessly squirt cum to your little heart’s desire! Can you say ahhh, and excuse me if I’m not mistaken isn’t that cum all over your tonsils?”)
-
Support for furries (“Furverted furdom fans can now play with anthropomorphic furry personas to create erotic fandom art”)
-
Elf and Vulcan ears (“Dial in fantastical ears in either ‘Elf’ or ‘Vulcan’ style”)
-
Tongue control (“Mouth & Tongue Animation Sliders: Now you can have your models lick and flick a dick with the best of them!”
-
Dildo customization (“Custom Dildos While-U-Wait! Let your wicked imagination go wild with this fun new tool to customize size, shape, and style of your own range of dildos! Create sleek tools or insane scary big brutal ones to satisfy your insertion fantasies.”)
Technology marches on!
Update: Hustler no longer offers this product, so the links in the post have been removed. However, it seems to have been a branded version of the 3D SexVilla product.
|
|
