Annie Cruz has dreaded this night for years, but it finally happened. Tonight, the suck robots came for her nipples:
Nipple-sucking-bot, I think I met your great-grandfather once…
From this Fucking Machines photoshoot.
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ErosBlog posts containing "sex toys"
August 6th, 2011 -- by Bacchus
Annie Cruz Versus The Suck Robots
May 18th, 2011 -- by Bacchus
ZOMG, It’s An Anal Pear!
Yup. I’m not kidding. Now you can buy a genuine anal pear device:
I didn’t think anybody had made one of these since they put down the Spanish Inquisition. But I suppose it was inevitable. Check out the flowery ad copy they are using to sell it with:
Sometimes, you want others to know that your ass is off-limits. One glance at the Ultimate Asslock in use will be enough to let others know move on – this ass is spoken for! Simply insert this steel piece of botany into your back door and widen its petals to blossom while inside you to achieve a truly unique feeling of fullness.
Truly unique, they say! Do you figure? Say, maybe that’s why they used to call the spiky priest-approved version of this thing “the pear of anguish.”
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May 5th, 2011 -- by Bacchus
Glitter Puking On Your Cyberskin
So I just got done reading the latest hilarious rant from the latest sex-toy-reviewing blogger to publicly get fed up and acknowledge that EdenFantasys.com sucks. These rants are becoming a sort of sex-blogging literary sub-genre, with an astonishing degree of passion, detail, and variety. This one is Glitter Puke: Why I left EdenFantasys. Two paragraphs in particular caught my eye; the first involves how they handle a reviewer’s materials preferences:
Then, I started looking for toys to review. EFs review program, in theory, would work great, as your rank in the community (based on activity and other users’ ranking of your reviews) would determine what price range of toys you could request. I started to get irritated, however, when I noticed stuff made of fucking jelly rubber and cyberskin bullshit show up in my search results even after I had it blacklisted in my material preferences. What the fuck, EF? Do you think I just won’t notice? Given that the material and cleaning of the toy is an entire section of the review, what the everloving hell do you want me to say? “THIS IS GREAT EXCEPT YOU HAVE TO USE IT WITH A CONDOM OR IT’LL FUCK YOUR SHIT UP HERPADERP.”
And then there was this, which gave me a rare and genuine loud LOL:
Now, several people before me have made thoughtful, in-depth, highly pissed-off posts about the site and its unethical business practices, as well as how it treats its staff and contributors. Since they’ve taken care of that part for me, I’m going to dig into my other problem with these people: the fact that whoever started this place COULDN’T FUCKING SPELL. SERIOUSLY, IT’S BASIC FUCKING GRAMMAR. I-E-S, IS IT THAT GODDAMN HARD?
I swear, it’s given me physical pain every time I’ve had to type that URL. Preach it, sister!
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January 30th, 2011 -- by Bacchus
Riverdancing On Her DMZ
Given that I’ve posted numerous times about the popularity of the Hitachi Magic Wand (and not for use as a “back massager”, either), it only seems fair to share this hilarious tweet from @Mollena, who is not numbered among those fans:
IMO the Hitachi’s like a Leprechaun doing “Riverdance” on my business. Too much. My DMZ is sensitive. I orgasm on bumpy bus rides.
January 26th, 2011 -- by Bacchus
Pink Speculum
So, it’s the time of year when the sex toy stores are having their annual Valentine’s Day sale, and I’m browsing for my own shopping as well as to see if there’s anything new and entertaining that needs to be mentioned here.
And then I see the pink speculum:
I feel like I almost don’t dare comment. On the one hand, we’ve all seen contexts in which manufacturers have laughably abused the color pink in an attempt to sell stuff to women. Was it a hammer manufacturer who so notoriously put a pink carpenter’s hammer on the market under the “Lady” rubrick?
On the other hand, most of us men have learned that when it comes to sex stuff, toys with stainless steel gleams and clanks are trickier to pull out of the toy bag than toys in more pleasing colors. And while I don’t think I’ve ever known a lady whose “eyes light up because she sees something pink” reaction was stronger than her “you just reminded her of her last gyno exam” reaction, she might be out there, and for the man whose fetish moves him to try for a real close inspection, this might just be the tool to reel her in with.
Meanwhile the people who sell these would prefer to distract potential customers with bad punnery:
Put your medical play back in the pink with our newest speculum. Daintily designed to explore and examine, this tantalizing tool adds a touch of whimsy and a splash of color to any scene or scenario. Don’t let the pretty color fool you — this is a fully-functional gynecological instrument perfect for exams, so hop up on the table, stick your feet in the stirrups, and get ready to shout “Giddyup!”
I think that effort deserves a heartfelt “Yeehaw!”, don’t you?
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January 5th, 2011 -- by Bacchus
One Night Stand: An Anecdote
There’s a very strange article about sex and porn in The Atlantic, which I cannot decide quite how to respond to. On the one hand it strikes me as wrongheaded and sad, especially in author Natasha Vargas-Cooper’s apparent opinion that male sexuality is essentially brutal and violent and, in her word, “extreme”. On the other hand, she has a clearer-than-usual view that men and women are different, and that the modern batch of anti-porn crusaders seem to want a “pygmy race of sexually neutered males” that is not achievable and wouldn’t be “all that enticing” even if it were. It would be easy to pull paragraphs and sentences out of this article and mock them, but on balance, I think I shan’t. Instead, it’s thoughtful enough — and such an intricate piece of interlocking arguments, each needing to be considered with the buttresses of its supporting paragraphs — that I shall simply point you there, with fair warning that it may piss you off if you don’t already have a somewhat negative view of male sexuality.
However, there was an amusing personal anecdote from the article that stands easily on its own while also, I think, serving quite handily to illustrate why I think Vargas-Cooper has somewhat bizarre ideas about male sexuality:
At the heart of human sexuality, at least human sexuality involving men, lies what Freud identified in Totem and Taboo as “emotional ambivalence”–the simultaneous love and hate of the object of one’s sexual affection. From that ambivalence springs the aggressive, hostile, and humiliating components of male sexual arousal.
Never was this made plainer to me than during a one-night stand with a man I had actually known for quite a while. A polite, educated fellow with a beautiful Lower East Side apartment invited me to a perfunctory dinner right after his long-term girlfriend had left him. We quickly progressed to his bed, and things did not go well. He couldn’t stay aroused. Over the course of the tryst, I trotted out every parlor trick and sexual persona I knew. I was coquettish then submissive, vocal then silent, aggressive then downright commandeering; in a moment of exasperation, he asked if we could have anal sex. I asked why, seeing as how any straight man who has had experience with anal sex knows that it’s a big production and usually has a lot of false starts and abrupt stops. He answered, almost without thought, “Because that’s the only thing that will make you uncomfortable.” This was, perhaps, the greatest moment of sexual honesty I’ve ever experienced–and without hesitation, I complied. This encounter proves an unpleasant fact that does not fit the feminist script on sexuality: pleasure and displeasure wrap around each other like two snakes.
And as for our “honest” man, I think he’d have saved himself a deal of trouble and psychodrama by investing in a good pair of nipple clamps.
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December 28th, 2010 -- by Bacchus
Simple (Bondage) Pleasures
Kids these days, with their fancy whips and their cattle prods and their Samurai electro-probes and their leaping straight for the clitorises…
Why, there used to be a time when, you had a woman tied up, it was OK to just tease her a little, you didn’t need to put on a circus:
Via Bondage Blog.
